I have throughout my life starting when I was very young - always been guilty until proven innocent - even when I'm obviously hurt - like being raped and blamed for that.

I am pretty good at holding myself accountable - I'm tough on others but on me too. So its different for me to say that I don't feel the degree of guilt that others think I should have. They say I'm not being accountable and making excuses for myself. After beating myself up for a lifetime of wrongs - to finally give myself what feels like a sincerely deserved break (or call it "in consideration of") seems like a positive for me.

I'm not saying I don't feel bad if my BPD / anger hurts someone 's feelings - its just that I know I do not do it deliberately and maliciously PLAN to hurt someone - its like a snowball rolling down a hill that once started is out of control. I have been needlessly hard on myself (something the Catholic Church taught me) so if I'm really honest with myself and "blame" BPD instead of me - its a legitimate distinction. I DON'T PLAN to attack and the next day when i realize the things I've said I too feel horrible.