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I think mostly what I don't want to admit is just how sick I really am and how bad things really are. Whenever anyone asks how I'm doing, my immediate response is, "I'm fine". I really don't want to admit I let things get so far out of control. But I'm not fine, not really. I'm pretty far from fine in reality. I also don't want to admit that I have a "mental illness" because that's completely frowned upon in my family. According to my family, mental illness simply doesn't exist, you just suck it up and do what you need to do regardless of what's going on mentally. Furthermore, I'm embarrassed to admit that I have this problem that I can't "fix" myself. I'm always been a pretty self-sufficient person and I've spent most of my life taking care of others. I really hate to admit that I have something going on that I can't solve on my own. I think those are the main things I'm hesitant to admit.
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In your family you were always the one responsible to help others, it feels alien and embarrassing to need to receive, and to receive, help from others. To have a "mental illness" is impossible in the eyes of family members, so it is very tough to believe and admit that you have one. You need to be fine in order to believe that you are in control.
That was another thing mentioned in that article:
control. What is your thinking about that right now?
What would it mean if you were to admit how sick you really are?
Thank you for your thoughts about having a job. I'd really like to hear back on that when you are ready, if okay.
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I think the whole family believing I'm "cured" once I'm weight restored is just something I'm going to have to deal with. It has been addressed with at least some of my family members at several different treatment centers and they claim to understand and claim their support will continue as long as I need it to, but it just never works out that way. A few weeks into IP treatment, when the immediate, life-threatening danger has passed, the calls stop, the visits stop, the comments questioning when I'm going to go back to work, when I'm going to get married, when I'm going to have kids etc return. Stuff like that. I think it's just kind of the way my dad was raised, hence the way we were raised and is pretty ingrained and not going to change anytime soon. If I were to continue to try to discuss it, they'd likely call me a baby and ask me why I was being such a drama queen and say I was just looking for attention.
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Okay, that is the reality of the situation: You will need to deal with it. Tell me about that: What does it mean to you to hear all of that from them? How might you deal with it?
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The locked unit issue is related to PTSD and a pretty traumatic event. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to deal with it regardless of how much or what type of therapy I get and I haven't ever addressed it and don't want to. I guess I could bring it up in my session next week (the issue with the locked unit, not the event itself, never talking about that) and see if we can come up with some things to maybe help with deal with it so JH could still be a possibility. I have my doubts though. I'm feeling panicky right now just thinking about it.
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Yes, the locked unit, not the event.
Are you familiar with
safety behaviors? When something causing anxiety, there is a temptation to defuse the anxiety by avoiding the situation. So if someone is anxious in a crowd, they go food shopping at 7:00 a.m. That is a safety behavior. They avoid that anxiety, but they never face or cure the problem, it just persists indefinitely and their world gets that much smaller. The solution generally involves facing the fear, living with the anxiety, towing it along, if you will, doing what makes one anxious (in real life and/or in imagination), and over time the anxiety goes down.
Of course, in addressing causes of anxiety one generally starts with lower anxiety issues and works their way up a "fear ladder".
I of course expect you would be panicky about being in the locked unit, and maybe it is too big of an anxiety/panic for right now. But see if T can help, talking it over could be a very positive step.
How did you decide on JHU?
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Yes, my current therapist has brought up several times that I'm going to have to deal with whatever issues are holding me back in order to move forward. However, it wasn't until the session before I went into the hospital that we discussed them on anything more than a very superficial level. I do trust her judgment. Almost implicitly, which is incredibly hard for me to do and if there are things for me to deal with ( and there are), I'd much rather do it with her than with someone I've just met, barely know and don't trust.
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Yes, I think that most Ts are going to want to discuss the past with you to some extent as part of treatment. I think that a lot of the past is intertwined with the ED and needs to be understood and unraveled.
I completely agree that it would be best to discuss it with the T you know and trust. I wonder if that could be done by skype let's say at an ED unit. Or maybe by chat/email with her, like what we are doing. Or what about Ts at units: do you ever get to trust them over time--or no?
It is quite significant that you can trust her implicitly, and really good to hear.
But what about talking with me? You have been able to be candid with me about many things. It seems that you can trust me to some degree--and I hope always to be worthy of your trust. What is it like for you to speak with me?
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I wholeheartedly agree the ED is a refuge from fear of failure. I'm absolutely terrified of failing. I'm so, so scared of failing. I'm so scared of failing that a lot of times I'm scared to even try. You totally hit that nail on the head. If I'm "sick", it's not my "fault" if I don't succeed or don't achieve what I could or should achieve. I couldn't help it, I was too sick. Most of, well all of the time, that's the only time I feel like I'm allowed to get any kind of help of have any kind of attention paid to me, so I think subconsciously I perpetuate that cycle in order to keep getting that attention, negative or otherwise that I think I need.
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What sort of help and attention did you get growing up?
What bad things do you think would happen if you got well and did not get the attention that you think you need?
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And I think I'm just as scared of succeeding as I'm am of failing if that makes any sense at all. I'm not really sure why? Maybe because then I'll have to face reality that I am an adult, I need to act like an adult and while it sucks that my childhood was spent taking care of my dying mother, father and younger brothers, so I never got much of a childhood, that's over with and done with and I'm never going to get it back and I just need to get over it and move on with my life. As an adult. I'm not a child. I need to stop acting like one.
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Fear of success is a known phenomenon, but I don't think that it has to do with "just getting over" the very rough things that happened in childhood. I think you can be very hard on yourself.
Here are a few thoughts on fear of success. Sometimes people who have survived a rough/traumatic/tragic situation feel
survivor guilt when they think of those who did not survive or whose lives were even more shattered. They might not want to succeed then, because success could increase the guilt.
Another possibility is that in your childhood you were never considered good enough, you always fell short of perfection and were criticized for it. So "I am not good enough" might be like the air for you: it is just always there, it is what you grew up with, it is what you take for granted, it is a core belief. To succeed is to question the very basis of your life, to question your most core belief about yourself. It feels alien and disorienting.
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It seems like as long as I'm ill, I'm safe in this protective little bubble. Unfortunately, that's not the case and the real world continues to go on without me and I've missed out on a lot of really great things because of I've been so wrapped up in this world. I don't want to do this anymore. I want to live a real life in the real world with real people.
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I want that for you too.
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Residency was a great time. I don't really know what happened. I just know I was succeeding and doing well and in a very supportive environment with wonderful people and I guess that allowed me to be comfortable with who I am or who I was at the time. All this allowed me to take the risks necessary to be successful and achieve what I needed to achieve. In all honesty, I still haven't really figured out what happened. I don't really know what started my downfall. I can piece together parts of it, but not everything. It's a long convoluted story. I'll save the story of my fall from grace for tomorrow. I'm tired. And this would turn into an even longer reply than it already is.
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Okay good, when you are ready. I think there is a lot to be learned from looking at what happened.
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You're right on again with the origins of the fear of failure. My family, primarily my father did expect perfection in everything I did and didn't tolerate much less. I'm not really sure what I'm afraid of happening if I do fail, it's not really a rational fear, more of a fear of not being "enough" as a person, of failing in life, that I'm a failure as a person, a daughter, a sister, a friend. Does that make sense?
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Yes.
What happened growing up if someone in your family did in fact fail at something? Or maybe that just never happened, it was utterly unthinkable?
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I'm sorry, but I'm going to reply to the rest of your comments in a couple hours. I don't feel very well today. I think my electrolytes are off again (and I think I should be going home in 3 days, I'm obviously totally logical  )
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Obviously.
It is okay, your health is the most important thing. I hope that you feel better!
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Thanks again for all your help. It really means a lot. You really make me think. It's good. And I do think it's helping.
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Good. Thanks for letting me know.
If it is okay, I would like to ask about two small things in connection with how you present yourself here. First, how did you choose the word in your screen name,
pinkflower? Also, it interests me that you use the magenta color in this thread. Thanks!