I tend to not put any thought on that. It's triggered me into a spiral unusual belief from fear that originated from my pain and isolation that I'm unfit regardless my healthy growth because I'm not the imperfect perfection what others want and neither I am normal enough to sustain a relationship. I'm so used to everyone leaving. I just say I don't have friends alot easier to explain more fake and very distant connections. Dating is and will be non existent. I fear intimacy from this distance I don't have any control over. Rather I dread liking anyone. I meant randomly by the loose advice people gave me over many years that furthered this belief. If I be myself someone will come along. I don't want them to I'm not ready emotionally and at the same time I fear them leaving and it be the same old **** day in day out.

I've dated people but I didn't pursue them nor anything feeling that I had any doing. It was my previous cowardice of women and friends hooking me up with people and freak accidents led me into the most damaging relationships I've had ever with females. I've became very frightened and I have developed within the past year till now. A weird sub reality that I'm not a human and weird stuff to rationalize my intense loneliness. I'm lonely everywhere. Its so chronic I can't escape it anymore. It's killed any hope of any connection when others and myself destroyed what any connection with anyone felt like without having to them the comfortable distance of stay away from me and talk to me from way over there space.
I have not been able to trust people period even people on here. To a certain point I don't understand what this horrible experience is. It feels like not just from perspective that people how they ignore me, start drama, or try to be my friend but don't intend to be one. Really conceived an unusual feeling everyone is a liar. You become paranoid of everyone is out to hurt you. That the fear and pain of all the recent distant traumas that are so frequent you lose any sight that the possibility of ever being not having constant chest pains from mini panic attacks. Hiding your emotions so you wont be used as blackmail by others for feeling something that being ridiculed and or receiving death threats for having feelings for the wrong person without them being honest they are in a relationship already and or trying to cause drama.

I've felt so overwhelmed of how I hate its inevitable it'll happen again and again that maybe ill kill myself on accident and didn't want to nor mean to it felt right at the moment because the loneliness from my whole life having no one to cling not for emotional support or codependent type of things. More like a grounding that I'm not losing my mind and something is real for once and I am not being lied to for once.

So it's very scary. I don't talk to girls outside of my professional life and online/with friends. Its very redundant hearing alot of them brag or bore me with their bf/gf stories good and bad day in and day out. Like ever say the women at my work don't know what else to talk about I guess. It's very insensitive how they say why don't you have a gf? And no one understands you I don't know if anyone knows what you are talking about ever.... Its comments like that everyday make me feel the way I do. I can't escape it. So I stop talking and keep conversations very small I ended up opening to a gurl who seemed very sweet and we hit it off except she was a lesbian and now I'm at work with an angry lesbian lover going to start **** while I'm at work when she's there.

This happens of messed up stuff every single time. Literally. I'm damned terrified. The next girl seems nice find out she's a serial killer and my family is dead. Or that she's a person who likes to lure men to have ger bf beat them up which almost happened twice last year. I'm terrified. I'm damn terrified these games make me panic. Like I have voices in my head of females out of this telling me all the time how trashy I am. They comment on everything I do in my head.

I truly have a deep rooted sadness pain and fear that females have done for kicks and laughs and or just to control. Please stop. I'm going crazy scared out of my mind. I can't believe I considered plastic surgery to become a woman to hide from this issue. Its scary very scary. Feeling everyone will hurt me. It's hard to believe people don't have ill intentions when it happens on a regular basis slowly by a number of growing individuals that enter or force their way into my life. I'll end up in a padded room forced to look at female photos screaming in fear and closing my eyes yelling to make it stop. Leave me alone. Don't hurt me anymore please no more.
That's exactly how it feels in my body.