I'm so sorry you feel this way. A lot of times we make unwanted choices during mania. try not to beat yourself up. I would recommend going to a Pdoc to see if meds can help stabilize your moods.
Try not to think too much about everything. I would recommend getting checked to help ease your fears and allow you to know for Certain.

I know it's so hard not to dwell and think deeply but try to distract yourself as best as you can.

Hang in there!!