" When he was growing up his parents split and later divorced. When this happened he said his mom would leave them at the dads and not pick them up for days at a time. She was busy going out and having a good time. He was also told to always suck it up and be a man at a young age." quote Seeyalater

This information is important, and it's 34 pages into your thread. This explains "why" he is behaving the way he is with you. He "was" abandoned by his mother, he is afraid you will do the same. He has abandonment issues and trust issues. His mother was not there to make his dinner or fold his socks or do his laundry and when he struggled he was told to "just suck it up"? A child doesn't understand that. That is a very deep injury. He kicked you out the way he did because "he" was fearing you would abandon him so it was "his" way of controling that by kicking you out before you could somehow abandon him. His saying "it's your fault" is coming from how he is so worried you are going to abandon him. Often this is a deep subconscious hurt where an individual doesn't know "how" to better explain it.

This is one of the behaviors of individuals that struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder. That doesn't mean he fits squarely into that disorder, but he is showing some of the symptoms. It is understandable that he would resist reaching out for help/therapy. I disagree with Rose, I do feel that the right therapist can help a great deal when a person is challenged. It isn't about "changing" a patient, it is helping them understand their challenges, in this case mourn it and to slowly learn how to see their partner in a different way instead of fearing they will be abandoned.

The fact that he said he was a loser that is failing to grow up, or get himself together is expressing the "hurt" he feels that goes back to being abandoned. Often a child will feel that the parent did not love them, that they were not "worthy" of being loved. That can be such a long term distorted thinking pattern that interferes with his ability to heal from that and "grow up". The boat he bought was an effort to "fill a void", also something to "run to" when he experiences these very deep and troubled feelings he has with you or even feeling "inadequate" somehow at work.

This is going to be a constant "challenge" for you, he will take it out on you every time he struggles with these deep abandonment fears. You do not have a husband, you have a "hurt child" on your hands right now. This could even get worse if you end up having a child too, he could see that child as a threat for your love.

I had challenges with my husband and I was patient, first it was about him binging, as he was a binge alcoholic, then it was all about being sober and trying to grow up, then when my daughter was around 12/13 he really hit bottom, and I had to get help from a marriage/family counselor. That is when I was told his true maturity level, age 13, and not to "mother him", so basically I had two children to help grow up, I can't say enough how incredibly lonely that was for me. I did not have PC to reach out to as you do here, I really had a hard time getting help tbh. My therapist that I finally found to work with told me when I was trying to find help, it just was not "there" for me. I recently met with yet another therapist who basically said the same thing.

At least you can gain access to more help, it's good that you can read about Borderline Personality Disorder, he may even have complex PTSD. If that "is" the case, then you cannot "fix" that, he will need help and again, I disagree that therapy doesn't help, because the right therapist "can" help a great deal.

I loved my husband very much too, but I really "missed" not having a true partner and having to basically be "the mother/adult" all the time.

OE