Hi Ad Intra, I'm so sorry you're struggling, but it is really good that you've felt able to vent here/share the feelings with us
I know this won't be much help, but those are completely understandable feelings/reactions to abuse, and I'm sure a lot of people are going to really empathise with what you're going through
And you know, I'd say if you need to express those feelings right now, absolutely express them...........but if maybe you could turn those feelings to something that might help you a bit more??? Maybe writing them down/out??? Maybe some sort of art??? Something to help get those feelings out???
Maybe some sort of physical activity to release some of those pent up feelings/the build up???
And where you can.....talk about it.........it's great you're doing that here.......but maybe as well that friend you were with last night, if you don't want to tell them everything then that's fine, but maybe something??
And you know, this is way easier said than done..........but if you can try to be kind and compassionate towards yourself, your abuser/s have hurt you so much already.........so the less you can possibly allow them to do so now. They didn't deserve to hurt you then, and they absolutely don't deserve to be hurting you now.
Like I said, way easier said than done, but something to possibly work towards??
And you know any time you want to vent, anytime you want to talk........we're here for you.

Alison