Hi lostinnyc2015, You know deep down that what you are doing is wrong. That is why you feel the pain. But you also know something is wrong on the inside, which is also why you feel the pain. I struggled for many years with alcohol and drugs. I have been sober now for one year, but my problems did not go away. Sure, I got rid of a lot of them, but a lot of the pain is still there. I went through a divorce in 2008. In 2012, my girlfriend tried to kill herself, and now I am still feeling tremendous pain because of major depression. It sounds to me like you have a conscience and a heart. My advice would be to break free by being honest with your wife and yourself. I will be praying for you!