I am sorry that you are suffering so much.
Even as a baptized christian I sometimes get angry at God for all the pain in the world. But, being angry is okay, God understands.

I sincerely believe that God loves you very much and always will.

I will be thinking of you, and if it's okay, pray that you will find some relief and peace.

Please excuse me if I am too preachy; it's because my faith helps me through the dark times because even though I don't understand why I suffer or why other people do, I believe God loves me and one day I will have the answers why.

From the Movie LETHAL WEAPON :

Murtaugh : God hates me.

Riggs : Hate him back. It works for me.

^ I've felt this way before. Not to sound negative, but you know the best way to get back at those who would bring you down? Live your life and be happy. This alienates all the people who are wrong for you and distances them. Then when you're ready, open back up to those who care. Like the lovely people on this site. With time you will see the bright side again It won't be easy but when you start living for you then you can find happiness in others. But you need to be good for you first and find purpose for yourself first. Hope this helps

I am a Christian but I think I have been where you are. I have thought that God had abandoned me, even hated me. I think depression is the hardest form of suffering. I would rather experience a physical ailment any day.

It is hard to understand why God would allow good people such as yourself to suffer. And I know the pain is immense because I have been there. I don't know the mind of God but I can only think that underneath all the pain there is some purpose we can't see for the moment for what you are going thru.

So hang on tight. You have a purpose to discover in life.

Romans 8:18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us."

In love I wish you the best.