It's not really that individuals that are suffering are the "walking dead", what it really is about is that those that struggle are "very aware, too aware" while so many others around them are in a way the "walking dead" because they are often selfish and intrusive and abusive. Most who suffer from PTSD or complex PTSD are individuals that have been neglected or abused and have had their boundaries invaded when they did not have enough knowledge to know how to protect their boundaries, some so young they did not even understand "what" boundaries are.

For myself, once I developed PTSD, it was even worse because everyone around me, family and friends I have managed to make in spite of how incredibly busy I was dealing with a husband that had two learning disabilities and a daughter that struggled with a learning disability were people I had tried to love and help, were angry with me for suffering from PTSD.

I have read so many sad stories from different members I have met in this forum, I have my own story too. I had no idea what PTSD was, and I had no idea "why" I was struggling with all the symptoms that so many come here to this forum and ask about. What is a flashback, here is what I am experiencing is that what it is? How do I sleep at night, how can I calm down and focus, why do I disassociate or lose track of time? Why can't I just like I used to? How can I trust people? I am worried about what the therapist will think if I "open up and tell". How can I be in the NOW, instead of being stuck in the past? I am so lonely, I am so tired and I want so badly to not be this way. Angry, I get so angry, I get so frustrated, then I cry and feel guilty that I can't seem to JUST like everyone is telling me to do.

One of the things I have recently noticed is when someone says, "you need to be responsible". When someone is mean to you somehow, get up, walk away, calm down and learn how to NOT REACT. All that says to me is HOW MUCH THESE PEOPLE HAVE NO CLUE, because THAT IS WHAT I WANT TO DO, "JUST" LIKE I USED TO DO. However, the other thing people like that DON'T GET, is that SO MANY HAVE INVADED MY BOUNDARIES and THESE PEOPLE WERE "NEVER" RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR ACTIONS.

I am VERY AWAKE, TOO AWAKE, SO AWAKE IT EXHAUSTS ME. The truth is, what I see, is how so many around me ARE THE ONES THAT ARE NOT AWAKE, because they go along and JUST IGNORE and DISMISS, and CHOOSE NOT TO SEE THE PEOPLE THAT THEY LIE TO, TREAT BADLY, DISRESPECT, and yes, THEY JUST, manage to SLEEP IT OFF.

The one thing I "can" say, is that FINALLY, there ARE people that are taking the time to not only RECOGNIZE this challenge called PTSD, but they are trying to understand WHY it happens to "some" people and they are really trying to find a way to help these individuals HEAL.

What I can say from the bottom of my heart is I AM SORRY, I am sorry you have been hurt, that people around you don't get it and tend to say all the wrong things to you too. I can also say from the bottom of my heart that "it is not your fault" too. Since I joined PC with my own trauma and lack of support and was so hurt I had very bad thoughts, I have met so many people that were brave and strong in spite of how badly they were treated by others.

The other thing I will say is that it really was NOT YOUR FAULT that other people in your life treated you badly, neglected you, abandoned you, and somehow you felt that "you" were not worthy. The truth is you WERE worthy but these other people did not have the capacity to recognize that, they were the ones that WERE ASLEEP, WERE NOT AWAKE enough to SEE YOU THE WAY YOU SO DESERVED.

PTSD is actually a RUDE AWAKENING, however, one can either choose to give up, or, one can try to be patient, embrace this awakening and learn and heal and help others to do the same.

I am NEVER going to say it is EASY, because it is not. It really "is" a "rude awakening", however, one can choose to try to embace it and heal and learn and help others to do the same, to keep talking about what you have learning, keep writing it out, because this is why people get PTSD and have this tremendous urge to speak up so much. The reason this happens is so one does sound an alarm so that others "pay attention" because that is how human beings learn how NEGLIGENCE HURTS and DAMAGES SOCIETYS AND BAD WAYS.

It does take time for a person to slowly understand "why" their symptoms happen. Trauma gets stored in areas of the brain where there is "no" language. Each cycle does mean something, PATIENCE, is a must until the person struggling slowly puts it together so they can verbalize the depth of a trauma, or many trauma's that accumulated and each time did some "hurt" that a person did not understand what to do with at the time.

Often people will be very confused when a person gives up. They will say, "well one never knows what is going on in that person's mind when they give up like that". Well, think about it, how are people going to "know" unless those who struggle find a way to verbalize "what hurt them"?

Many people are raised to "keep secrets and pretend", if things are bad in their home, must not tell, must put on a "mask" outside of the home so society thinks a family is normal and healthy.

When there is suspicion about something possibly bad taking place, what do we wait for? We wait for A WHISTLE BLOWER to come forward right? It is these "brave" individuals that bring on true AWARENESS AND POSITIVE CHANGE.

One day I took my little daughter to her riding lesson. To my surprise my daughter asked me to wait a minute because she and some other children needed to talk to me. My daughter and two or three other young girls got in my car and told me that they were very worried about how this trainer was severely NEGLECTING his children. I heard some very bad things, and what bothered me is how these other girls were AFRAID to tell their own mothers/parents. At least my own child knew her mommy would listen and do something.

So, one of the mothers was a MINISTER of a big church with a big congregation, she was also a psychologist/therapist that treated many patients during the week. So, I called her to my car where I told her what had been taking place, by this time I had also seen bad things myself. TO MY HORROR, this woman did not act upset or shocked, instead she turned to me and very calmly said, " Well OE, you do whatever you think you need to do". So here was this PRIM AND VERY PROPER woman with her perfectly clean house, who stood on a pulpit and also was a professional psychologist, NO WONDER WHY HER OWN CHILD WAS AFRAID TO TELL HER.

I was the only one that DID DO SOMETHING. I got my horse out of that place and called the people who needed to know that YES, THESE VERY LITTLE CHILDREN WERE BEING SEVERELY NEGLECTED. My own daughter was afraid to leave this trainer, he had her believing that no other trainer would train her if she left him. I could not believe her fear, again, I had to show her WE HAVE A RIGHT TO WALK AWAY FROM TOXIC PEOPLE.
I was the only WHISTLE BLOWER, and it was not easy because this trainer was very angry and said bad things about me that were not true. That is what ABUSERS AND TOXIC PEOPLE DO, so it is not easy to be a whistle blower. I know it was NOT EASY for these children to come to me either, and sadly I could see "why" too.

It is very hard to be "so awake" with PTSD because "yes' it is very tiring in a way so many people do not understand. It is very "hard" to talk about it too, that really hurts in a way many do not understand too. Even the individual struggling doesn't really understand "why" it hurts so much either.

I am very grateful for those who were brave enough to TALK before I ended up suffering from PTSD. Because of how others were brave, my therapist was better able to listen to me, and also tell me that I WAS NOT ALONE. So, I finally slowly got to talk about my own story, something I had always felt I had to keep to myself.

Please know, you are not alone with this challenge, and IT REALLY IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It is time to talk and slowly GRIEVE and HEAL. Yes, it really is a very challenging process too.


OE