so, this sticking to change is REALLY hard... I find myself thinking about sh and sui more and more earnestly, kinda like a little kid being ignored so screaming to get attention. I SO want to be able to tell T tomorrow that I did good this weekend and I kept away from the sh...

my head kinda feels like it's gonna explode. there's a crazy battle going on internally, but I SO want things to be different this time... everything's intensifying though. The flashbacks, the body memories, the urges to sh... I'm afraid if I give in to any of those thoughts, it will mean I failed completely. stupid black&white thinking... grr. I even told T friday that I felt like I needed to do everything perfectly for her, and that any slip would mean failure. She kinda just looked at me and shook her head. Intellectually, I know I can't do things perfectly, never will. I know there will be slips, but I NEED to do this right just for this weekend. Then I can tell her I did good, and maybe she'd be proud of that effort, and maybe I'll have done something right for a change... and holy cow am I recognizing this as transference right now... :/

I kinda might just need to scream into a pillow for a while...