Oh, Sadley, I feel your pain. I am supposed to be working from home today and instead I'm laying in bed crying and on this website hoping to find a grain of encouragement here, actually probably more validation that I'm not the only one who's so sad and depressed.

I've never been happy although I've had moments of contentment. I tolerate life but get little enjoyment out of it. I have never understood people who ARE happy, or who "love life" - how is that possible? It seems as though I'm not even capable of such a thing.

I grew up in a family that believed the adage "life's a ***** and then you die." I'd so hoped I wouldn't adopt that myself but have. I've been depressed since I was a small child, grew up in a dysfunctional and abusive home, have been betrayed by anyone I'd ever cared about or tried to grow close to, the most recent and severe being the suicide of my partner of 40 years, from which I'm so lost and floundering. I thank God I have a job, He'd led me to a little house for me and my dog to live in, and I am grateful to have the basics of life, but my life itself is useless. I'm almost 60 years old and feel like I've failed at everything, a career, relationships, life. I look forward to it being over.