Stargazer,

I'd like to ask a few questions and also offer some suggestions for you to try with your little one.

Questions:

1. How recent is the divorce/breakup between yourself and the father?
2. Are either of you (mom or dad) dating anyone that child has either been exposed to, or is at the very least aware of?
3. Do either of you (mom or dad) talk about the other in a negative or hostile way in front of the child, or do either of your romantic partners do this?
4. How is your daughters relationships with peers in school?
5. If she making is friends, what kinds of children is she associating with and do you know the children she's friends with, the families of these children, their attitudes and values?

There's so many different elements which could go it to the cause of this behavior, that it's origin may be difficult to pin point; but I would start by looking at her every day life and the people in it to see if you can find some answers. Talk to her teachers and get the school info. Observe your own life changes, relationships, attitudes, etc... and see if you can find something you may have inadvertently done to trigger this reaction from your child. Speak to your X and see what he's noticed, or if he may have triggered this kind of reaction from your daughter towards you, and perhaps towards himself as well, somehow.

Suggestions:

1. Rather than saying "how would you feel if I did that to you?" (hoping your 5 year old will be able to empathize) tell your daughter, calmly, how her actions make you feel; followed by asking her how that (knowing how you feel because of her actions) makes her feel. Whether she feels 'good' or 'bad' about how she's made you feel, what you shall do next is tell your daughter the things which the two of you have enjoyed in the past which have made you happy and feel loved.
You will then ask your daughter what kinds of things of things make her feel happy and loved; allowing her to say anything she likes where 'happy' is concerned because your focus will be on what makes her 'loved' (either with you, with dad, or someone else). You may have to explain to your child the difference between 'happy' and 'loved' in order to get an appropriate answer, and that's totally OK because this is the lesson itself- happy does not mean love, love is something different and it's expressed differently.
Once those questions have been answered (with emphasis on 'loved') ask your daughter what you can do for her right now that would make her loved* by you, and do that.
*Remember that love is something you do; it's not a purchase or 'treat' it is the sharing of time, the showing of affection, and that's what you need to emphasize here.

2. Keep doing number one for one or two weeks, without punishment, and at week 2 or 3 you will continue with the aforementioned, except you will tell your daughter that she has to have a 5 minute timeout in her room before you can both participate in the 'loving' action/activity together. She will undoubtedly ask why, and to answer that question you let her know that even though you love her, and you look forward to the loving activity together, what she did was not appropriate and it's your job as a loving parent to teach her that there are consequences in life. Let her know that even though what she did was 'wrong' you still love her very much, when her 5 minutes are over you and she will share your special loving time together and that you look forward to that very much.
Allow for her to have any reaction she might have to the punishment aspect of this, and if she should react poorly (with tantrums, outbursts, etc..) than you will carry on with step 2 for a period of only one week, and move to step 3. If she accepts her punishment peacefully than you will carry on with step 2 for 2 weeks before jumping to step #4.

3. *ONLY if fits occur during step 2* If you daughter continues to have outbursts during the punishment phase for the entirety of the past week while doing step 2, then you will increase the time of punishment by two minutes (7 minutes total) if she has a fit. You will tell your child that if she still having her outburst at the 7 minute mark you will add 3 more minutes to the punishment, giving her more time to call down (10 minutes total). If she stops by the 7 minute mark, tell her how proud of her you are for having met her punishment appropriately, and participate in the 'loving' action/activity together as you normally would.
If she is still having fits at the seven minute mark you will go up to her and let her know that she'll have 3 more minutes given to her in which she is to calm down so that the both of you can share your loving time together soon. You will tell her that you're very much looking forward to sharing your time together and that you don't like it when she's in her room for these time outs because you'd much rather spend time together doing something you both enjoy. You will leave the room and come back in 3 minutes (hopefully to a sound child) and no matter what her reaction was you will share your loving time together; reaffirming the concept of unconditional love.
You will do this for 2 weeks until you proceed to step 4.

4. Whether you've come from right from step 2, or had to carry on through step 3, this part of the process is a major turning point! Once you reach step 4 you will pic your daughter up from school, day care, babysitters, what have you and immediately ask her "What can we do today to make you feel loved?" which may come as shock because this has been something which has only been asked following 'bad' behavior; thus you may need to explain that feeling loved is something which is important every day, and you want to give that to her whenever she needs it. You will explain to your child that when she's in need of a time out she will still be receiving those things; that you love her even when she is being disruptive, and even when she's being punished, but that she doesn't have to get into trouble just to have some 'Mommy time' all she has to do is ask for it.
At this point you will make it a point to ask her each day what you can do to make her feel loved, and let her know that if she needs some Mommy time all she has to do is ask for it.
You will still punish as needed, and you will reiterate your love for her despite any negative behaviors and their punishments; but 'Mommy time' will be at her request, or yours (you can absolutely call 'Mommy time' if you need it, or you think she might need it) and no longer follow punishments with 'Mommy time' unless she should request this directly.
If you are finding a trend, that 'Mommy time' is being frequently requested following punishment, then you will make a rule that 'Mommy time' can not be immediately after a punishment and that she has to wait one hour after being punished before 'Mommy time' can happen; but that she request 'Mommy time' anytime outside of punishment.

The purpose of this exercise is to not only teach your daughter how to obtain attention in an appropriate way; but also to stress the important concept of unconditional love.
We, as parents, love our children unconditionally and we know that because we feel it; but when our children are acting out the showing of that love (to our children) often gets replaced with the expressions of frustration, upset, etc... and our children's views of us can change as we are constantly punishing them in our attempt to correct their behaviors. Taking a pointed action in showing love helps children to differentiate between attention and affection so that they understand how love is both shown and felt, and that attention on its own does not always equate to love.

Love is so important. However in today's busy world we, as people, often forget that love is more than a feeling- it's an action and it needs to be placed into action if it is to be felt the one we love on an emotional level.

Once your daughter has the security which comes along with unconditional love (as an action) and acceptance (despite negative behavior) a trust will be born, and at that point she may be able to tell you why she was doing some of these negative things.
She might not even know that answer in a way where she is able to verbalize it because it could be something she's doing on a subconscious level; in something which is called projection.

Sourcing it is not as important as treating it though. If she is able to tell you what made her act that way, then perhaps the source can be addressed directly; but be prepared for her not to know the answer, which is perfectly OK. As long as she can differentiate between affection and attention, and is able to both feel and express love- you're well on your way to healthy child

I do hope you try this, and let us know how it goes

Be Well
- C1