Trigger warning.

I'm lost. I've been lost since I was diagnosed w/PTSD & DDNOS 3 yrs ago. Also have MDD & have been in this last depression almost 4 yrs.
No luck w/meds.
Left T 2 months ago.
Married. 20 yrs. 3 young kids. One in T. House is very tense.
No job & not really employable. No assets.

I wanto leave. I want out of my marriage & to leave my family. I know that sounds horrid but I'm trying to b very honest. I just wanto run away from it all. I kno I'm not a good mom or wife & I'm doing damage by staying. I've looked into some extreme things to get me out of this marriage. Not good.

I'm also cheating on my Husband (please no bashing I have enough guilt). No, the other party cannot help me. I'd be on my own.

I'm scared to death to think like this but I feel like I'm drowning. If I go back to my old lifestyle I know it'll kill me.
I do very little. The absolute bare minimum at home. I'm horrible. I don't wanto DO anything. I enjoy nothing! I can't seem to get out of this pit. I try & change my habits which work for 3-4 days then it crashes.

I don't wanto die. I've been suicidal all my life. I don't wanto start down that path. I wanto finally find some happiness for me, but know that'll come w/ a great price & hurt many people. I don't feel like it's worth it. I'd really like someone to say, "Patagonia, do A, B & C & that'll work." Yeah funny I know. I get frozen when it comes to making decisions. I can't think or plan more than a wk out. I don't see the use of it.
In the mean time I just see my life slipping thru my fingers.
Do you have any light you can shine down this path to help me?
Thank you,
Pat