I hardly know where to start or what to say. My memory is so horrible these days. I guess that I have a doctor appointment with my primary tomorrow--Wednesday, the 20th. I already had an appointment for next week, but I was online checking his schedule, clicked "refresh" and got scheduled. I'd forgotten it does that. It's ok. I know he put that appointment out there for me tomorrow special. I sent him emails--the "unofficial" kind, to his personal, work email addy that I'm not supposed to know/use and not via webmail like they intend for patients to use. He didn't receive very happy emails. Quite the contrary. He's probably worried, and for good reason. I know he doesn't want to be too involved in my psych care, but since I still can't get psych care thru someplace willing to take me or even get some places to call me back, he's all I've got. And how I react means extra work for him as my primary because I do things that can cause physical harm to myself. Then HE has to deal with it, too. I know he'd like to be there for just the straight medical issues. Here I bring him in to both medical and psych. I'm afraid of going tomorrow. I told him I'd be there. I had been considering not showing up for the appointment next week. But in light of how serious I know things are for me, figure I will go tomorrow and see what happens.

I've lost everything. My car was towed for repossession several weeks ago in May. The tow truck driver told me nothing but *LIES* and he took everything inside my car but the few clothes and what not that I grabbed. I had many very important papers in the car, some that I'd just received, others older. All the documents that I needed to give to the social security office and dhs, rehab, food stamps, others, were taken in my car. I have no chance of getting anything now without those papers! My taxes history are all gone--including documents for taxes last year that hadn't even been filed yet!!!

I've lost everything. My health is bad and both lower legs/ankles swollen with pitting and pain, plus pain in my right knee. I don't know if its orthopedic, or related to my heart problems or liver yet. It's been very hard getting around. I almost never shower anymore. It was already getting to that because of my mood, but with all these other physical problems getting worse, it's even harder to travel with having to walk everywhere in pain and everything. There has been so much more that's happened. I really don't feel like going over every detail right now. This is long enough. I figure that I will be in a hospital soon. If not by tomorrow even, after my doctor appointment. Don't know what he will say or do, or if he can, or how it would/could work since I don't have a psych anymore. I've had some really bad thoughts about doing some things--which I confessed to him in those emails. I've had serious ideas. In one email, I told him that I would rather test fate with the skill of ER docs. Another email last night asked if he "was busy tomorrow...or tonight", and if he "cared to get paged by the ER". In yet another email I commented if I should take morphine or Zoloft--with a note for him to reference my drug allergies on morphine (anaphylaxis). The Zoloft name was just thrown in as a filler name for use of any psych drug. I've never actually been on it. As of yet, anyway. I am still afraid of tomorrow. I will go. I know I should. I took extra of one of my heart medications last night which I know lowered my blood pressure way too much because I did see black for a moment at one point. I think he'll D/C that Rx for me tomorrow, too. It's short-acting, which is why I took the extra of it for my mood. It would be alot of risk if he lets me keep it. There is a long-acting version of it. Maybe he'll put me on that and D/C another drug I'm on that's long acting to replace it. Have to see. Hard to say what will happen tomorrow.