I really feel for your loss. Your post made me cry, because I, too, felt like I was the only one with my experience. Many people love and miss their late parents very deeply, but I think there is an ultimate level of grief that only caregivers who lived happily with their parent all their lives experience. The bond between a single parent and an only child is especially strong. My parents divorced when I was only five years old and I was raised by my father and his mother. My grandmother became ill when I was only eleven years old so I first became a caregiver at a young age. She recovered but then I dropped out of college to take care of her fulltime. Since I never got established in a career, I took care of three more elderly relatives over the next 34 years.

Since my father's death, I have tried to make new friends. I even signed up for a dating service, and got 35 messages, but most of them were from scammers. I have tried spending time with neighbors and cousins, but most of them like to smoke marijuana, which I don't, so I feel like I don't quite fit in with my peers. I can still smile and laugh, but when people want me to dance and sing, my heart is not in it. I have tried going to four churches, but the people there are mostly married with children and hardly speak English. I've tried a couple of bars, but at one of them the bartender and the patrons were doing cocaine. Last night at my neighbor's house, I met a nice lesbian who made a pass at me, but I'm straight. Now I come home to a lonely house and my father's not there for me to talk with about my new experiences. He'd be turning in his grave if he knew I was hanging out with drug addicts, but there's not much else to do in my neighborhood. I don't drive, so my range is limited. I don't want to live anymore, but I don't want to commit suicide, because my father worked hard to raise me and to teach me to appreciate beauty and goodness. But when the people around you don't like what you like, it's hard to be happy.

I finally weaned myself off of Ativan which my doctor prescribed to help me sleep. Benzos are as addictive as heroin! I'm still not sleeping well, so I don't feel good. I feel tightness in my throat from grief and anxiety. I have to do many of the same mundane chores as before, but now I don't have the happiness of my father's company as my reward. Looking for a reward system outside my home is getting expensive. There's only one restaurant which I really like, because there are no associations with my father there, and the food is excellent, but I can't eat there too often or I'll go broke. I don't like dining alone, so I can only go when I can find someone to go with me. Most of the people I know live too far away. I used to entertain a lot in the good old days, but now I don't have the energy. As my father's health declined, friends and relatives stopped coming around as often. I have a hard time forgiving them for abandoning us. Now that I'm alone, some relatives are showing up again, and I feel like they just want to be in my will, because property values are high here. One of them had the audacity to give me a will-making program. Now I don't want to die just to spite them.