There is so much going on in my head right now that I can't figure out whether I'm tired in the same way I've been tired in all the time I've not been sleeping or if I'm tired and might get to go to sleep. All the voices won't agree on whether they are ready to shut up and leave me alone. That's the thing that finally made me cry a little; mostly I feel flat and numb. And I get scared when I feel that way because it has gone with feeling suicidal before. I have no idea what I need or want to do. I want to see my therapist again but that means another day I can't take valium. And since I can't make much sense it's probably a waste of money, time and gas, plus I have to be somewhere one day which means he's probably not got an opening the one day I could see him.

What I can't tell and this may send me to see him if I possibly can is that I can't tell for sure right now what is racing thoughts and what is voices. And that's disturbing and not something that has happened too often, at least not in my admittedly hazy memory.

But really, I just wish that I could figure out whether the feeling that I need to go exercise or the feeling that if i curled up with a book and the valium I'd sleep or if I need to work on doing laundry just to be productive or if anything will calm me down at all and which of the many, many things in my head is the one that is actually in charge and makes the decision about when I get to actually fall asleep. I do know that they have all agreed tonight needed to be very quiet. But the fan on my laptop is annoying me so there's not enough quiet unless I bring out the soundblockers and I am not sure where those were put when I moved.

too much at once......To top it off I had ankle reconstruction surgery in June and the weather has been changing and it is hurting and the ibuproferon hasn't done much and so achy leg is also entering into the mass of chaos in my mind.

If anyone can figure out what is going on in there, if this is voices or ridiculously fast thinking I'd love to know. I'm tending toward voices but it's been a long time since that was a big issue and I don't remember how to tell them apart. I just know I feel frantic and need to make them STOP. Or slow down so I can sleep. Anything...