I sometimes get better then get worse immediately. I've gone through this now with two therapists in a row. My last therapist seemed frustrated with it. It was palpable. I know why I do it, it's a protective measure. When I feel happy and hopeful, I feel vulnerable. Does this make any sense?

I think when I'm sad and anxious and tense, I feel safe. When bad things happen (and they will eventually), I won't get hurt that badly. I don't have much to lose, not far to fall. But it's brutal to fall all the way down from feeling real happy and hopeful. That hurts much much much more.

When I feel happy and hopeful, my mind works real fast, life is more alive, I have lots of plans for future, but like a car driving at a fast speed of 70 miles per hour, I feel vulnerable to having accidents and getting badly hurt, of being face to face with the helplessness I experienced with PTSD.

If I'm sad and slow and tired, then I'm that car that drives at 15 miles per hour. This is safer. But on the downside, it does not feel like me. There is no pleasure in living life like this, when you can do more. Joy comes from doing your best, going as fast as you can, really feeling your own power. Imposing limits on yourself out of fear sucks. But it's the price of feeling safe, it's been so for quite a few years now. The insides of my brain and heart are a battlefield, between being safe and doing my best.

I stopped my therapy couple of months ago, because I felt I was wasting my therapist's time. I think most people who go for therapy want to get better. Therapists help them get there. I refused lots of suggestions by my therapist. I was frustrating my T. I'm really tired of my emotional self.