"Any kind of information like that from a DIL usually only causes problems & doesn't help....creates an adversarial relationship that usually progresses from bad to worse." quote Eskie

In your situation, your inlaws were not approachable and you did not have the reason your ex was failing you.

In my own situation, my inlaws were approachable, and were understanding when I explained to them that my husband was a binge alcoholic. When my husband got help and stopped drinking and went to AA meetings, my inlaws supported that and did not put him down. Some people are receptive and capable of learning how to be more supportive and some people are not.

It "is" important that Seeyalater understand how a mother leaving can create some very deep wounds and how that may come out in unhealthy ways. For example, my father's mother left and it did impact my father to where he was very controlling over my mother, needed to have her "right there" as much as he could and he struggled to give her the kind of healthy affection she deserved. Oddly enough, my mother cooking the meals was very important to my father too. My mother grew to hate it, plus he tended to criticize her cooking too. Now that I think back, it was a lot deeper than just how well she cooked the meals for him. My mother had the task "all her life" of making up for the abandonment issues my father's mother had created in him. Anything my mother did that was for "her own freedom" my father did not like and was negative about too. It is very strange how my mother had to be "there" to cook his meals, she was emotionally punished whenever she was not there to do that too. My mother always had to leave my father notes whenever she left of exactly where she was going and exactly what time she would be home too. If my mother ran late, she was emotionally punished.

My mother was not "loved" in a healthy way at all. Oh, yes, my father paid the bills and took "care" of her that way, but, when it came right down to giving her things "she" wanted, that was not there. When my mother had back surgery and could not cook, she realized that she could finally "escape" that long time "prison". My mother did give up mentally, and she developed dementia and what was very hard for me is that with me she is "there", but with my father and older sister, she is "not there", she is not there because she doesn't not want to EVER go back to being controlled the way she had been all her life. To my father, he sees that as her "abandoning" him, and he would literally drag her out of bed and bruise her arms. Now my father has to do all the cooking, and he does like to cook, however, when I talk to him he utters, "well, you know, I have to do all the cooking now", and it is now "reverse" of him being in that "role" that my mother had so hated for so many years.

Well, you can take advice and drag him out and get him socializing, but that is just not going to "fix" the deep damage that he is challenged with. You can never fill that void, my mother NEVER did either. It will be "all your fault" too that you cannot seem to fill that void. Your husband reached out to his mother, and she emotionally abandoned him yet again, "that is your fault" right? It is not your fault, however, your husband deep down really has a hurt, a true fear of abandonment when it comes to "his mother, and you", and his father is only replying to that by "suck it up and man up".

A deep rooted dysfunction like that can present some big challenges to the children. It definitely did that in my family.

I happened to see a documentary on Stephen Speilburg. He did have challenges growing up where he was put down for being "the Jewish" boy in the neighborhood he grew up in. However, his parents also split up, his mother remained close to him, and he had long blamed his father for the divorce. There was a constant theme in many of his movies of a boy charector growing up with a single mother and the father somehow astranged. He did blame his father for "years", until he found out that it was not his father that was responsible for the divorce, but his mother that was lonely and bored due to the father working a lot to support the family. The mother is the one that had an affair and broke up that marriage, while his father was actually "loyal". He blamed his father for "years and years" until FINALLY he found out the "truth". As I mentioned, many of his movies revolved around "his" hurts that he had been trying to make some kind of peace with "all" his life. After finally understanding the "truth" he made amends with his father because he did finally realize/learn that while his mother stayed devoted to him, his father was missing from his life because of his mother, not the father. He did finally sit with his father and admitted he had blamed his father "unfairly". Luckily, his father was still alive so he could finally do that with him.

It really "is" important to be able to see the whole picture when a challenge like you are having with your husband shows up like this. You cannot spend the rest of your life filling a void that you really cannot fill or fix. Your husband really does need "help" with this challenge, otherwise this will be something that will turn on you and can hurt "you" and the quality of "your" life.

You cannot be "his mother", and it really is not fair to "you" to be punished for something his mother "failed" to do with him and has hurt him on a very deep level like this, so much so that he struggles to verbalize/articulate it, even really understand it himself.

Personally, I am tired of hearing about "needing to grow up" too, because while my father did provide and was an honest man, he NEVER presented a healthy way of treating my mother. My mother was punished for how my father's mother did ABANDON him that hurt him deeply in ways he himself did not understand. It is sad for me to see and NO religious verse is going to CHANGE what my mother had to deal with ALL HER 60+ married years. Not only that but how it affected the children, right down to me, but even the grandchildren, trying to make up for something NONE OF US could make up for.

OE