I absolutely know how you feel. After living with depression for years, and just recently being able to start getting the treatment I need, I've often found myself honestly afraid to feel better. When I start feeling happy, I feel strange and awkward and scared -- because that just gives me so much more potential to crash back down hard, and so I put my walls back up. My T asked me once if I thought that I deserved to be happy. But I think you're right and it goes beyond that, it's that I really am afraid of what being happy means. It's a good kind of change, though, keep fighting for it because even though this is your normal now, it doesn't have to be forever!! I hope you can go back to your T and talk about it. You're definitely not alone, and she should be able to help you work through it.