The ache for a mother, a normal loving mother was with me for 40 years. I was never kissed, cuddled, listened to, or 'seen' so ignored I wondered if I even really existed.
As a teen I disassociated, I felt unreal.
For 40 years I longed for her, dreamt that she would change and realise how much she loved me. l longed for a warm, supportive caring hug, for her to look after me tell me everything would be alright. I cried most days (secretly) sometimes drank too much to numb it all.
Oh I tried, I tried so hard to make her like me. Ironically the harder I tried the crueller she was and the more she rejected me (while adoring my sister) My heart broke over and over.
So painful to know l was unloved, that even my own mother didn't care. l felt so lonely.

The basics were provided, albeit begrugingly. I wasnt beaten. l was clothed and fed.

But, emotionally it was a desert. And l became a silent, withdrawn and sad little thing.

Then one day I knew, it HAD to stop. This painful ache, the yearning for a mum. It was time. Time to let go of mother.
But how?

Now this will sound harsh I suppose, but I had no choice.

l decided to have a funeral, a last goodbye. My mother was dead (to me) I imagined her funeral.
How I cried. Solid for a month. I grieved for the mother I'd never had.
Then no more tears were left. And I felt free of her pull for the first time. It was a relief.
I will always be sad I never had a mother, but I never ached for her again.

I think my recovery was helped by research, you see I'd thought it was MY fault mother never loved me, I thought I'd been a useless embarrassment of a person I suffered with shame, toxic shame.
However, I discovered mother ticked the boxes for NPD (narcissistic personality disorder)
And I realised for the first time. It wasn't me! I was not faulty and I never had been. She was the crazy nutjob not me.

Mother actually died when she was 94. I shed no tears.