missed the last session because i jumped on the wrong bus and ended up out in the suburbs and couldn't make my appointment on time. i managed to contact him to let him know and he was very understanding, but i'm still kicking myself.

missed the session before because he phoned just as i was about to leave and said he needed to cancel because he was on the tail end of the flu. i was understanding about that because he saw me once when he was on the tail end of the flu and the session didn't really go very well. he was distracted and stuff. trying not to sniff etc. probably dosed up to his eyeballs on pseudoephedrine...

so i haven't seen him for a couple weeks, i guess. last time i saw him i was basically ranting about my friend (because the docs thought he was likely not going to make it) after spending the night at the hospital and having around 3 hours sleep.

my dad and stepmother visited me over the weekend. hadn't seen them for around 18 months. the first day was really hard. talked a little with my therapist about them the time before i ranted about my friend (or maybe during that session). was telling him about them and some of my earlier experiences with them when i was a teenager and the like. trying to be descriptive and not judgemental. trying to be charitable. he said 'your stepmother rejected you'. damn psychiatrists. i never thought of that. i remember my first hospitalisation where my psychiatrist said 'your father abandoned you'. i didn't know how to feel about that. another psychiatrist said 'if only your mother had loved you' after my OD. damn them. planting those seeds... i'm not sure how i feel about all that. i don't want to be the victim, dammit. i don't want to be a victim. 'you were a victim then, but you aren't a victim now' is his response to that. damn him.

my stepmother rejected me... and of course that infected my dealings with them this time around. did it help? well... i felt anger towards her. i always tried to be nice to her and to accept her and to get on well with her because i understood that that was really important to my father. truth is that we never really hit it off, however. i hit it off really well with his previous girlfriend so it isn't like i was jealous of his having a girlfriend. it is just that i don't get on particularly well with my stepmother.

i find her to be cold to me.

we walk into a museum. i walk in first because she walks next to my father and there simply isn't room for me to walk beside the both of them. i turn left... and she turns right (every time she chooses the opposite direction to me). dad stands there (sometimes) looking caught. unsure what to do. mostly... he follows her. 'i want' 'i want' she wants and he jumps. she talks over me. she ignores what i have to say (of course she understands the bus service here better than me even though i've been living here for 18 months). we walked somewhere and i was a couple blocks out (about 3 minutes out - not a big deal) and i'm apologising all over the place and she is like 'you don't have to apologise all the time, why are you apologising?' and i think (but don't say) 'because you are looking so annoyed with me and so disapproving right now that i'm looking for a little reassurance that you don't mind and that things are okay'. i didn't think to say that at the time.

the next day... a friend came with me. she instructed my father to say 'you guys just do your thing and if we get seperated we will meet outside in an hour'. so much for their trip to see me so that my father could see me and spend some time with me. the day went better though for having another person around.

i noticed that she is quite keen on male attention. after some thought i see that... she doesn't really have any female friends... maybe that is being a bit unfair... but i think part of this is a female thing...

she did reject me. saw me as competition for my fathers affections. never took any sense of pride in my accomplishments. never encouraged me at all. always looks at my failings or faults. she rejected me.

i feel... somewhat liberated... but grieving as well. all her (joking kinda semi sorta) talk about 'wicked stepmothers' isn't because i treat her as such... it is because she treats me as such. the things they do for her kids... the absence of caring about me...

i don't want to have anything to do with them.

t says 'sometimes it is better to cut ties while one is in recovery'

but i'll be in recovery all my life, really. my dad is okay. weak. can't stand up for himself. can't stand up for me. but fairly inoffensive. a nice guy. i get on alright with him, basically. but really and truely my father has terrible taste in women.