Hey sunrise,

Thanks for your thoughtful response. It's only group therapy that I ever consider terminating (never individual).

My original reason for seeking therapy was that I want to learn to be closer to people. I tend to keep people at arm's length. Sometimes I'm in a relationship for a long period of time and still feel like the other person is just an acquaintance of mine. And that's the story of many of my relationships. I have a real inability to connect. My therapist has wanted me in group for ages, but I wouldn't agree to it. I told him I was too shy, and he said "that's like saying you're too weak to exercise." But he dropped it, and it was more than a year later before he asked me again to try it.

I hated that I was so terrified at the idea of trying it, so I finally went. Only I guess I didn't really have much of a plan of what I would want other than to stop being so afraid of the idea! Now I'm a little less afraid, but I don't have any desire to participate. In answer to your question, I don't even like group discussions on topics that are interesting to me. I just feel uncomfortable when a group of people are listening to me talk. I'm afraid that I'll say something stupid. Once in a while, there'll be a few minutes of trivial banter and then I'll feel at ease. I'm great with cocktail party conversation. But in group the idea is to talk about how you feel and your own wants and needs. Those I have trouble figuring out for myself much less communicating. And yeah, it's hard for me to change the subject when it's not interesting to me -- that's definitely a social skill.

I told my therapist that it'd probably be helpful if there were some light (more trivial) conversation to start off with in group. So naturally he suggests that I ask for that. Good idea. There's just the minor problem of horrible social anxiety at the thought of trying to dictate a course of action. I never started therapy to work on shyness, but it does get in the way of some other experiments. Anyway.

Even if I had the nerve to explain exactly how I feel, I'm still not sure there's actually anything I want from group therapy. I mean, I've read all the potential gains (self-esteem or what-have-you) and I really don't expect to find those things there. I imagine that I would get those things if I had a different personality and felt comfortable with trying things. Last night I just felt like an alien. But other times I have liked it, so I probably won't quit until I can be sure what to make of it! I waffle around on this subject all the time.

Good idea on keeping a better list of things to talk about. Group is inconveniently a fall-back. Eek!

Thanks for listening.
Sidony