Okay. This is my first post here. Hello! I don't feel like introducing myself in the introductory portion of the forums, because I just want to cut right to the thing.

The thing about me is that I have been feeling this way for a very very long time. Maybe for like, ten years. Maybe since like, I was 16.

I used to be lonely, but now I hate people. But I feel badly and don't want to hurt you! It'll just be less awkward being behind the screen, if you know what I mean.

I was homeschooled my entire life, never went to school of any kind. I lived as a kind of secluded middle child, with an older sibling and younger sibling. My Mother is extremely old fashioned and religious. Both she and my Father were control freaks. Absolutely squashed me.

I guess I used to be good at a lot of things. I used to love to be artistic and creative. But now my desire to do anything is just squashed like a dead bug. SPLAT! It's dead. I live with my boyfriend who doesn't want to hear about how I feel anxious/hate people/feel depressed. He told me he didn't want to listen to my problems anymore. He said he can't fix them and they are just ruining his mood.

I tried to talk to my parents about my depression when I was growing up, and my mom just said "suck it up, princess." I think that was the moment my spirit broke. lol Or the time my Dad screamed at me for six hours when I told my Mom that I hated being homeschooled and that I was lonely. He said that I wasn't "special" and "how dare I" and "I need to get off this high tower of thinking that I'm better than everyone."



It's not that I just want to complain to people. I JUST WANT HELP. I want to WANT to do things again. I force myself to try anything, and I end up bored, just wanting to eat, or drink, or smoke my hookah. (It's a very nice glass one) It's not like I want anyone's sympathy. I just want someone to pay for me to go to see someone because I have no money, have no insurance, have no car, no house, no nothing.

Pretty much the only thing I like are my cats and my boyfriend. I am kind of clingy on my bf sometimes. I feel like it's the last thing that I truly would care if I lost. I can't go anywhere without him. I feel like the only piece I have of me is missing when he is gone.

I also enjoy petting my cats or cats in general.

I have hated every job I've ever had. I have no interests for the future. My dreams are pretty much almost unattainable because I have no valid education and no money to go to school. Instead, I have to work for crap money for 13 hour shifts just to live paycheck to paycheck.

I have to go to school for something eventually, but nothing appeals to me. I don't care. There is not a single thing I want to do throughout the day. I'm selfish. How dare I have this pity party when there are REAL people suffering in other parts of the world. How can I be this weak? This disgusting?

I don't really care what I have to do. I just want to enjoy something again.

I got through a bad divorce a couple of years ago, a marriage I partially did because my parents, who are very Christian, believe that all women should get married, have kids, be submissive homemakers, and homeschool their children.

My depression did get better after that, and I was living home with my parents. But then, 4 months after the divorce finalized (I won't go into details) everyone in my family suddenly became VERY poor. Lost all their house, possessions, EVERYTHING. I now work crap jobs that I hate. All I have is my bf and my cats. I am so glad I have them though. I have three cats.

I just really want to feel and enjoy doing things again. Forcing yourself to go out and do things doesn't work, btw. As time goes on, I just feel like the more I despise people and the less I want to go anywhere or do anything.

But my life is wasting away because there is nothing that I enjoy.

I just feel like a robot who does all of its responsibilities but can't find one activity that she enjoys. I want to have my own life. It's really not healthy for me or my relationship for me to not have anything that is just my own.

If you have any feedback for me. I'd greatly appreciate it. Again, I don't have money for a doctor. Never really have. They are so expensive, and I am out of a job because I randomly left mine because I kept getting anxiety attacks from how unhappy I was.

Thank you for taking the time to read.