Manipulation and being manipulative, when used in psychological context, always have a negative meaning to it so I don't think anybody who uses the word means something positive by it. Manipulation is associated with power games and threats to autonomy and freedom, and lack of transparency. But what is it exactly?

I've heard the word too often, used it myself on occasion. Though I dislike someone being called toxic much more, the word manipulative is certainly not a good word to use to describe people. And sometimes leads us to draw wrong conclusions about someone.

My two issues with this word would be about intentionality and clarity of meaning. Not everybody who does things labeled manipulative is doing them intentionally and fully consciously to get certain results. Sometimes the behavior is just habitual. Sometimes the person is not trying to engage in power games in the way people assume. In other words, they're just sinking and desperate and grasping at anything to survive so it's quite wrong to assume that just because someone uses manipulation then they're some unfeeling person interested in overpowering or hurting the person they're dealing with. For better or worse, it might have little to do with the person at the receiving end of the behavior and much more to do with the person doing it and their state of mind and their environment.

And this brings me to the second issue. What is specifically manipulative behavior anyways? All of us use behaviors, at one point or another, that can be labeled manipulative. There is especially real danger of further stigmatizing people who are or feel powerless and who have experienced abuse and trauma and great injustice, given that they're most likely to use the behavior we so often label as manipulative.

My mother has borderline traits and sometimes would use behavior that one therapist constantly referred to as "manipulative." It made me afraid of her and later I hated her with great passion. Fast-forward a few years and my views changed. Yes, she did press my buttons and knowing I was guilt-ridden anyways, she would use obligation and guilt to get me to do what she needed me to do. These methods were very powerful. Caused me great suffering. But I also realized these behaviors said as much about her state of mind. There was great fear and pain behind much of her actions, as if so much depended on all these requests, as if every day was a potential crisis, strong emotions on the line, her value, her worth. She lived so many days at the edge of life. Unlike my dad, she also had a lot more invested in me emotionally.

I don't think I'm explaining this very well, my brain keeps freezing on me, but what I want to end this with is that when you look at such a person's behavior in context, it's just wrong to call it "manipulative." That label does more to misinform and confuse the matter, with its associations of malice and threat, that it's hard to look at what is actually happening without many assumptions.