Hello all

I have registered to post here after reading many stories and advice given by people and hope that you may do the same here

For a very long time now I have not taken enjoyment in anything. I don't look forward to things or get excited about things, I just do them. I can be standing in front of something that may amaze most, and I will be just meh. I cant remember the last time i got genuinely excited about something. But that in itself is not the issue.

Over the past few years I have become more and more frustrated/angry with things (i am in the late 30's) more than anything, with people. I cant help but see that the majority of problems you will face in life are caused by the inconsiderate, selfish or stupidity of people. I really hate some, for the way the act, the way they speak or their actions.

I can board a train sit there and be fuming inside just because one idiot thinks its ok to put the feet on the seat, and someone talking on speaker phone or playing music on their phone.......much worse. I absolutely hate arrogant or selfish people, even if someone pulls up in the middle of the road without parking up properly causing all the cars to have to go around them burns me inside, and I dont even drive at the moment! I end up hoping they write their car off.....seriously

Work is a very difficult place as i work in a very noisy office and they must see me as quite unapproachable there. The people I work directly with are great and we are a good team, but the noisy people in the office i hate them for their selfishness when we are all there trying to work to. Worst thing is they are all decent friendly people whos voices carry and are a little immature, but the way I feel about them is that if they were in trouble and needed help, I would walk on by and be saying to myself "serves you right you arrogant ****". This isnt me, I was known as the person to turn to, the person that day or night you could turn to and I would help in every way I can. I am the kind of person who almost tries to take on some on the burden of the other person so they don't have to deal with it as much, throwing myself on the fire as it were. This is who i was. But I have nothing left

I had a big bust up at work from a build up of frustration which caused a panic attack the day before. They saw i was extremely stressed and sent me to the doctors who were no help and referred me for counselling and gave a me a few Lorezapans. I had a week at home and done nothing but look into all kinds of possible conditions. One of the things that stood out was Misophonia as especially for work i HATE with a vengeance the laughs a few of the people have (aggravating ones not the "standard" laughs if you know what I mean), whistling and constant sniffing. I sit there some days and go home and my T-shirt is soaked. At those times I run with a high pulse for hours during the day (i have had ECG's and blood tests) loose any appetite and cant wait to get out of there as i am wishing bad things to happen to these people. There are definitely similarities with Misophonia in my case. But im not convinced its all that

Its not just sounds, its the look or the way some people act. After an ok sleep (havent had an undisturbed sleep 2 days in a row for a long long time) i came out of my house and there was a young woman standing in the midle of the walkway keeping an eye on her little dog near by while smoking a cigarette. Although her back was towards me when I came out of my door she would have clearly heard the door close and the sound of someone approaching (yes she could have had a hearing impediment but doubt it and I have seen her a few times at the station). She did not move and I had to move around her to get by. Most people may have thought "idiot", passed by and carried on and forgot about it in a moment. Not me. Within a second of realising she wasnt going to move my pulse was racing and adrenalin pumping and I wanted nothing more than to as walking past to let her know "dont be so selfish or inconsiderate next time", but held it together and walked past but could not turn the corner without giving the dirtiest look before i did. This is a neighbour I was right not to get into a big thing over a small incident but i didnt feel right. I felt another person gets away with it. Everywhere you look you see more and more of these people who intrude into your life when you have no interest in them or their lives. Why people have to speak so damm loud in public or on public transport i cant fathom. I dont want any information about their daily gripes and it angers me so much that they are not considerate enough to "talk amongst themselves"

I have totally withdrawn from going out. Social events at work, hate them. Being out and about in the city on Friday night, one of the worst things in the world (and upto about 7 or 8 years ago Friday nights were something worth waiting for - and no big "event" that happened that changed my view). Seeing friends, i still do but its a job, its not enjoyable and to make it enjoyable for them takes the little energy I have left. Exhausted at the end of the night and glad i could "tick that one of the list" for a few weeks. Come round to my place and im relaxed, talkative and happy to see them. Meet out for some drinks or a meal and I am none of those things on the inside but trying to pretend on the outside that im having a good time seeing them

Thought my views were changing a few years ago as i was just getting older. But this is something else. I am happy at home by myself when I dont have to hear anyone, talk to anyone and just do my thing. I am engaged to a very understanding girl (who also naturally likes staying in) but also I have the place to myself a couple of days out of the week.

I seem to take things so personally, not criticism as that's fine as I am usually aware I have done something wrong and always believe you take responsibility for your own actions. Taking things personally is like walking down a busy road and someone knocks into you because they or their group taking up the pavement believes it is all just there for them. Cant stand that and it immediately brings on the fight or flight reaction with pulse racing.

This is a typical day for me.

Wake up usually in a bad mood for no reason. Leave and travel to work, an hour on the train with people eating, talking loudly, pushing and shoving, disgusting persona habits, opening windows on a freezing cold morning ect. Imagine then walking a mile to work and a mile back through one of the busiest streets in the city, stop start all the way, knocked by at least half a dozen idiots. Imagine what state you arrive a work in. Then endure up to 8 hours of noise, interruption, signing, whistling, phones dialled on speakerphone loud ect keep the adrenaline running. Then endure the walk back to the station and the hours train ride home. When i get home im exhausted, absolutely nothing left. When the weekend comes staying indoors for 2 days is not just a preference, its a necessity. In amongst all that i have to try and see friends, family ect whilst keeping the brave face (even though most know i get stressed easily)

All people do is annoy me, make life difficult for me and other people and I have no interest in people anymore. Where once I wanted to do what I could to help people, now they can all go get ****. Sure there are still nice people around but its the others that stick in your mind the most. I find it so hard to forget and move on it stays with me for a while until the next person does something to upset me, then they become public enemy number 1, and so on and so on

I need to visit a professional and have a referral from my doctors but don't know where to start. Counselling will be no help, talking is not what I need, an action plan and reasons are. I need to know cause and effect as then I can figure it out, but I have a support framework and "sounding boards" so counselling will not help.

Have any of you felt like you are outside the bubble of life because the veil of ignorance has lifted and you see things for what they are? In my case im seeing more than there actually is I fear

Any thoughts, advice welcome