So I guess the neurotypicals get to just be like oh shoot I didn't get enough sleep I might be tired, or oh it is so very stressful that x or y is happening I might get really upset. But I/WE have to be all like OH NO HOLY **** I AM NOT GETTING ENOUGH SLEEP...THIS STRESSFUL THING IS HAPPENING....AHHHHH....I MIGHT LOSE THIS HARD WON AND CAREFULLY MAINTAINED PRECARIOUS BALANCE AND SENSE OF WELL BEING AND BECOME PAINFULLY DEPRESSED OR HIGH AND THAN HORRIBLY AGITATED UNCOMFORTABLE PSYCHOTIC SUICIDAL.....I may have to walk through hell again and swallow broken glass and cry and hurt and hurt and be all alone with it and hate myself and hate everyone and wonder what the point is and have those voices and intrusions with their awful ideas circling like hawks in my brain
just waiting for me to get weak enough to become their prey. And not be able to move dance hear music smell feel anything to not caring about anything to wanting to hurt myself TO MISSING MY OWN LIFE BECAUSE SOMETHING HIJACKED MY BRAIN.
and then we also get to worry that with every new trigger stressor WHAT MED WILL THEY GIVE ME WHAT WILL THE SCARY SIDE EFFECTS BE WHAT WILL IT DO TO ME? WHAT IF IT DOESNT WORK?

And all of this just shone a light on how much fear I am living in. Fear of my own Bipolar. Fear that my own brain is going to let me down, give out, crumble and send me back to hell. Or to a new version of that hell I haven't been to before. And I realize that holding this fear nights I can't sleep or days when there is too much stimulation or too many people in my space is only going to make it worse. Because instead of just dealing with the issue in the moment the energy of fear is surrounding the whole thing.

So what do we do?

I have a lot more in my head about this but my phone is going to die so I need to hit send.