And it is daunting. It's like poking a very recent scar. It's giving me surges of crazy, desperate hurt and illogical attachment. It's shame at being so f#cking stupid to have been sucked in in the first place. It's deep, deep shame at all the love I poured into her and all the love I lapped up, like a starving stray dog. It's worry that I expend energy into this, and that the board dismiss it out of hand - that they validate all her behaviours.

It's also a slight thing in my head that if the board do give her a caution, or whatever, that she will get REALLY angry and get revenge. The times now when she told me about squaring up to people in fights (casting them in the role of the bad guy) seem less amusing. I could kick myself. I have learned, I suppose, a valuable lesson - to listen carefully when other people reveal mad or aggressive stuff about themselves through anecdotes. Because they will turn on you next. Although, I reason that she won't actually attack me physically because that would probably be career suicide, right? Still, it is unsettling to think there is somebody out there who will want to smash a bottle in my face given half the chance. Argh.

This is stressful, and I can feel my self esteem sinking into my boots. I have to write a whole, wretched report, with all the disgusting details, and there's so much of it. I look insane. She looks insane, but will probably wriggle round to come off looking fantastic, like Motherf#cking Theresa trying to deal with an entitled leper with BPD.