Hello! I wish I knew what I was doing with my life... I am 45 years old. I got married at 19, had a child, was the perfect wife, did everything I was supposed to do, cleaning, cooking, etc. Life was ok, except my husbands drinking (drank beer) bothered me. He didn't drink every night, in the beginning since we were both young, it was the usual, party with the guys, I'd get mad, then get over it. At times, he would go months and not drink, and even once for a few years after he was seriously injured on the job he went two years without drinking. But as the years progressed so did the drinking, which I felt like I had to control the amount he could drink since he didn't know when to stop. It wasn't all bad...there were good times. He was never abusive. But after 20 years of marriage, I began to have an affair. In the beginning I thought I would never leave my husband, the longer the affair went on the worse our relationship got. We split after 20 years of marriage, we did this back and forth thing for 3 to 4 years. I divorced him in 2005 and the day we received the final papers in the mail I moved back in with him. All the while still seeing the man I was having the affair with at work, but our sexual relationship ended in 2004. We did the back and forth thing again a few more times, until he finally left me a year ago and I have refused to be with him (my ex) anymore. I believe he loves me, but he does not get what he needs from me since I am unable to give anything to him. For some reason the alcohol has completely turned me off where he is concerned. I feel sorry for him. I care about him but cannot be with him the way a woman should be with a man. He (the ex) continues to call me and tell me he still loves me and would like to be with me.

The Boyfriend:
On the flip side of all of this, I feel like I am also walking in his shoes. The man I had the affair with got tired of all this, together one day, then split up the next. He finally ended our relationship and moved out of state, but we still talk occassionally on the phone, and sometimes email. I cannot figure him out. I have mentioned getting back together and he made it very clear that we are just friends but then sometimes he makes sexual comments. I AM COMPLETELY OBSESSED with him. He is all that I think about. How could I have messed things up with him so badly? He is a prominent physician I worked with. Why does he keep me hanging on? How many years will it take to get over him? I haven't seen him 2 years. Back when all this was taking place (the affair) I felt so confused.

NOW I AM STUCK...
I can't go back to my old life since I have created a monster in my ex-husband. He drinks more than ever now, there is no trust since he suspect I had an affair, I have never confirmed it. At times I think I even used his drinking as an excuse, I felt very guilty for so long. I just want it to end. I wish my ex would find somebody and be happy, but I don't think that will happen since he won't even date. I wish I would get over the guy I was having the affair with, I haven't seen him in forever but I still love him. I can't move forward and find anyone because no one can compare to him. If I can't have him, I really have no interest in anyone else. So I am stuck... can't go back and can't move forward... Any suggestion on what to do when your stuck??? Why am I still so obsessed over him???