hey. i don't really get any time alone with my father, no. one of the things i told my therapist was how i lived with them for a couple months and used to go out to ride horses after school. my father used to come out there when he finished work and watch me ride for a bit and chat to me and my friends while we finished up after riding and fed the horses and stuff. then he would throw my bike in the back of the van and we would go home for dinner...

my stepmother didn't like that, though. i guess dad used to go straight home after work and help her prepare dinner. of course they could have changed their routine so that we all prepared dinner once i got back from riding... but instead her and dad sat me down for a chat one day and she basically said 'we think you are only using us to go horse riding and you actually don't want to live with us so you have to go back and live with your mother now'.

i used to get a bit of time with him when he would come to pick me up and drive me back to their place. i don't drive, you see. but sometimes she would come along for that too. aside from that... she is always around. i don't get to do anything with just him. she was also keen to have me do things with her while dad is doing other things (being at work or whatever). but i don't really understand that because we don't get on particularly well. i have done that at times, however. just hung out with her. she basically does whatever it is that she wants to do (reads a paper or a magazine or turns the tv on to whatever she wants to watch) and i'm just kinda expected to agree with whatever she says. to be her... validating internal/external voice or whatever.

can't do it.

we did go to the pub, though. there is a pub that brews its own beer and my dad likes beer (and i've acquired a taste for it). she complained a little because she likes wine and they aren't renowned for their good wine selection. but we went anyway. after a pint my father came out of his shell a little. we went out for a smoke or two (i do get some time alone with him when we go for a cigarette - though she is very disapproving indeed about smoking). he actually said 'listen to her' to my stepmother a couple times when she interrupted me midstream. he does it so rarely... but sometimes he does kinda stick up for me. or do some kind of gesture... come and find me after stepmother has resolutely walked to the opposite corner of the museum to me... we share little moments of attunement... sometimes... but it is very rare indeed. it seems to be those moments that my stepmother is most opposed to.

and there it is.

i've just never really looked at any of this. because... all i ever wanted was for my father to be happy. and... he seems to have chosen her. and in a funny kind of way he seems to be happy with her. so... there it is.