OK so when I was 10 I was sent to psychiatric hospital following suicidal ideation and they diagnosed me with bipolar disorder I have thought that was wrong because my mood doesn't change often I stay depressed and I'm sometimes angry but I'm never happy I haven't been happy in over 10 years maybe longer maybe I was never happy Idk its my first post in the bipolar section I think since I have never thought I have it I thought I was borderline I have 7 of 9 symptoms of bpd and I always thought that was the correct disorder along with some other issues but these last couple of days I have felt like I never have before in my life my mood seems all over the place not happy because that seems impossible but it is changing fast I can't seem to keep still I feel like inside there is pent up energy and emotions wanting to get out I seem more restless and that could be because of the month I'm having my cousin is in hospital following a suicide attempt and earlier in the month she was in hospital for panic attacks and seizures we have always been close and I have been worried about her I have a friend who I was getting close to and she unfriended me and won't return my messages which is weird because I don't think I said anything to upset her it always hurts when this happens because I have severe abandonment issues I have bad back I have had to have surgery on and I have tried to get disability for it I recently got a lawyer but I've been worried about not getting the benefits as well as how long it will take to get them also I think my depression is getting worse the things I used to do to fight it off aren't working anymore I also and this is the weirdest part of this post and I can't explain this I don't have HBO but we had free weekend of it and I watched game of thrones actually it was a marathon leading up to the premiere of the 5th season I saw like 7 episodes of season 4 and although I was lost since I didn't watch season 1 2 or 3 I have been obsessing over game of thrones and I don't know why that is its not happened ever before and I watch a lot of TV shows since I have nothing else to do its not even my favorite show but I can't get it out of my mind and I know its not on Netflix and the HBO free weekend is done I can't see any of it it is driving me crazy I'm not sure why maybe its because I can't watch it there doesn't seem to be a way unless I buy the DVDs but I don't have the money and I can't get HBO because I don't want to create more money for my mom to pay I think the fact I have no money plays into how I've been feeling I don't feel human I feel like a burden for my mom who works and takes care of all the bills ill be 25 next month and I haven't accomplished anything at all with my life I'm a huge failure I am nothing and I cant seem to stop biting my lips my back hurts constantly and I can't do things that normal people can do because I can't even stand up for 5 minutes It is pretty dehumanizing when you can't walk a short distance or stand up for a while I am just wondering with how I have been feeling and things is this mania? Am I manic?