Thanks for explaining about your user name. I did not understand tyhe passage about april though:
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I do like specific flowers - peonies, hyrangeas, most of the various kinds of roses, cherry blossoms, tulips, sweet peas, ranunculus etc ( I was planning for a while which was supposed to be this month. Yet another reason to hate april).
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Yes, people did fail in my family, but it was never "okay". We were never told; "I'm proud of you anyway or I know you did the best you could or God forbid, "I love you anyway". It was more along the lines of "what happened?" Or "well, that sucks", or "what happened to the rest of the points?" (If a grade wasn't 100%) or just lots of yelling an screaming about what a failure and screw-up we were, mostly me.
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I'm sorry that you had to go through this.
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I was the oldest, I tried to take the brunt of the anger for my brothers, tried to protect them, and I was also blamed for their short-comings for not "raising" them correctly. I was 9 when my mom got sick, 13 when she died. My dad had a lot of anger that he was forced to take care of all these kids that I don't think he really wanted, and was bitter than my mom was so sick and I think blamed her a lot for it. She was a type I diabetic with an eating disorder and never regulated her blood sugars the way she should have or could have.
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I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother. I'm sorry for the loss of your childhood.
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I know I blame myself for her death for not "taking care" of her better, but I also blame her for not caring enough about us to want to stick around and make sure we were okay. Does that even answer the question?
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Yes it does answer the question. Thank you for that, it must have been painful to write.
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What happened after residency?...Does that make sense?
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Yes, it makes sense. I'm sorry that all of those things happened to you. You were so very alone.
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Sorry this is jumping around a bit, but my feelings regarding control haven't really changed all that much. I really still feel like I'm in control. If I really think about it rationally, I know I'm not, I know I'm out of control and I need to do something to figure out how to get myself back under control, but that scares the **** out of me and right now, I just can't admit that, despite all evidence to the contrary, I can't admit I'm not in control.
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You have a desperate need to be in control. That makes sense, too, when one thinks about what has happened in your life. So much happened that was out of your control, with such devastating consequences. And it was enlightening also to learn that your mother had an eating disorder, they run in families. Something else that you could not control: a genetic inheritance that might have tended you towards an ED, and then a family environment that tended to activate that inheritance.
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I've never been good enough, I've never been enough. At anything. At anytime in my life. It is a core belief, I can't even imagine thinking any other way and it's definitely been reinforced by those whose opinions matter most to me in my life. Even my doctor (see my PM), doesn't believe that I'm good enough or that I'll ever accomplish anything or be or do anything worthwhile in my life.
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Challenging that core belief will I think be a central part of your healing.
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I didn't realize fear of success was that common. I always thought it was more of a fear of failure. I absolutely have survivor's guilt. I don't feel like it's right that I'm still alive when others I cared about aren't here and would probably be leading much more productive, successful, happy lives. I feel like they should be alive instead of me. I feel like God made a mistake and it should have been me who was killed and not others.
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This would be another core belief to address: that you should have died and others lived.
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I don't really know why I'm so scared of succeeding. Maybe because then, I'll have to face the reality that, while it sucks that I cooked the meals, took care of my brothers, got them up in the morning and put them to bed, paid the bills etc while my mom was sick and dying, it's over with and done with. I lost most of my childhood and I'm never going to get it back and while that does suck, it's reality and I need to learn to deal with it.
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You tell yourself Learn to deal with it. You can be very hard on yourself. we do have a main way to learn to deal with a loss: grieving. Have you been able to grieve for the loss of your mother? Another good part as i see it of your recovery: would be to grieve, to mourn the loss of childhood. and grieving is done with patience and compassion, not with get over it, learn to deal self-criticism.
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I think if I got well and all the attention in my life ceased, I'd probably honestly relapse. My family just doesn't give much positive attention to positive things, they've just been kind of expected. I suppose I need to seek out that attention in a positive manner through other means and other people, but it's just hard for me to do that, when it's been ingrained in me that my family loves me....but only when I'm sick.
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i agree that consistent, positive support--whether or not you are sick--will be very important.
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If I get better and my family ceases to be concerned, I guess I'll just cease to matter as well.
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This strikes me as a cognitive distortion: If I don't matter to my family, I don't matter to anyone.
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And if I don't matter, there's really no point in me trying at anything - getting better, living, anything. If I'm not making a difference and I don't matter in this world, then why the hell do I even have to be here?
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And this too strikes me as distorted thinking: there are many ways to make a difference besides mattering to one's family. You have already done a lot of them, you are doing some even now, and a good goal would be to get back to doing more of them as you heal.
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My dad actually got child protective services called on him twice while I was growing up. More or less for neglect. The first time because he refused to put any of us in counseling after my mom died, and her death was pretty traumatic and one of my brothers had a very difficult time with it and the second time was when I reached a dangerously low level weight wise (think less than 3/4 of low triple digits) and my dad once again refused to put my in counseling or any kind of treatment. He tried to buy me milkshakes a couple times, but that's it. This was the early 2000's, so all that came out of it was a home visit (and they pretty much blew that off bc my father's a prominent attorney) and 3 visits with my guidance counselor.
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I'm sorry that, in this example as well as the others, you did not get the care and attention that you needed.
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Yes, for whatever reason. I'm almost completely comfortable speaking with you. I don't really know why. I have huge issues with abandonment and with being rejected. I'm always afraid to post anything about myself, to put myself out there, so to speak, because I'm afraid people will be horrified and disgusted and I'll be "too much" and nobody will be able to handle me and I'll lose what little support and social interaction I do currently have in my life. I guess it's because you tend to "show up".
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When I show up I am implicitly stating that you are not "too much" and I am not horrified or disgusted. Which I am not.
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I'm always incredibly reassured when I see you're replies, it makes me feel like I didn't make a complete food of myself yet again. I have a very, very difficult time trusting people, but once I do, I tend to trust them almost implicitly, at least until I have a clear cut reason not to. I too, hope I'll always be able to trust you 
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Thank you very much for your kind and heartening words.
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Regarding the whole job thing; could I handle a high stress, full time job. No, absolutely not. I didn't even get out of bed yesterday after I was discharged, buy could I handle a low stress part time, like 10-15 hr/wk job? I think so. And I think it might be good for me. It would provide some accountability, it would give me a reason to get up in the morning, it would help financially, hopefully it would give me some sense of accomplishment and achievement, get me out of the house for things other than doctors appts and give me some more social interaction. I think ultimately, it could be a good thing, as long as it's low key, and kept under control.
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Sounds reasonable to me.
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Regarding the locked unit, yes, I do need to deal with it, but I don't have the slightest idea how and I don't even know where to begin. I'm terrified just at the idea of thinking of being in a locked unit. I honestly don't know if I can deal with it. I really don't. Yesterday was the worst day of the year for my PTSD and it's very rampant right now. The only thing that comes to mind is medicating myself throughout the whole process or just trying to ignore the fact that it's occurring. I don't think that will work though.
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Right that will not be a healthy way to handle things.
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Are you talking about desensitization therapy? I get the idea behind it and agree theoretically it should work, but you can't desensitize oneself to what I went through. I just don't know how I'm going to handle it. I think my best option is to discuss this with my therapist and relate to her that I'm never going to discuss the instigating event and I'm absolutely not willing to discuss anything related to it with the interim therapist and leave it at that and just immediately change the subject if it's ever brought up. I have to protect myself and that's the only way I can see myself being capable of doing so.
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Okay, i agree that discussing it with your therapist is going to be a good first step.
The main issue for the moment is for it to be possible for you to stay in that unit, so you can receive treatment. Getting to that point does not have to involve disclosing why you feel as you do, or what happened.
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I decide on JH mostly by default. I was rejected by many major treatment centers due to current and past medical stability (the central pontine myelinolysis, the esophageal ruptures, the boerhaave syndrome and mediastinitis, the electrolyte abnormalities and cardiac complications, the heart attacks, the blood clots in my lungs, legs and arms, severe asthma and food allergies, chronic head and neck problems form the brain surgery and meningitis, the history of re-feeding syndrome with congestive heart failure, the seizures and myoclonus, the nerve damage, the overwhelming fatigue , the dependence on the IV fluid and tube feedings etc etc,etc). I was all set to go to Princeton, but then they got my medical records. Most are terrified something horrible is going to happen again. And it very well might. So I need to be in a large, tertiary care hospital with very advanced medical care available at a moment's notice. So, John's Hopkins it is. I'm not thrilled about it. I'm not a huge fan of their program. I would have much rather gone to Princeton, but I guess we don't always get what we want in life.
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Okay, this all makes sense to me.
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I would much rather deal with my current therapist while in treatment over Skype or something else, but she's very professional and I know she won't want to step on any toes and will reserve my treatment while I'm there to be done by therapists there, good, bad or indifferent. I don't agree with this and I really wish it could be different. I will bring it up, but I'm 99% sure of what the answer will be.
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it is good to bring it up, it is good to state your feelings and desires, even if it turns out that they can't always be met.
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I think that's everything. I'll answer the stuff from yesterday tomorrow. Today was a very rough day. It took everything I had just to type this e-mail.
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And you did it.
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Frankly, all I want to do is curl up in a ball and never wake up. I'm just not interested in living anymore. There's no point. My life has no meaning and is never going to and I'm really just tired of trying. Sorry to be so negative.
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I am glad that you can state your current thoughts and feelings here. Sometimes i wonder if you start to feel sorry for yourself. Like here. I am not telling you to change your feelings, your feelings are what they are, but I am urging that you be aware of them, look at them closely, think about what they mean to you.
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Thanks so much for your reply. You have no idea how much it means to me. I really hope to hear from you soon.
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Thank you so much again for your kind and supportive words. Speaking with you means a lot to me as well.
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