I've wondered about that since I was a kid. The standard answer from adults was "God works in mysterious ways" or something similar. It seemed like no answer at all. I got the impression even asking the question was impolite if not outright offensive so I dropped it.

Years later I still couldn't wrap my head around it, so I started reading and learned that people have been puzzling over this since the invention of monotheism. It was so widely discussed it even had a name, the Problem of Evil. It was good to know I wasn't alone in wondering.


Given your experiences I think most people would struggle with that. I certainly do. This next bit might seem silly, but please bear with me:

In the movie Gladiator the lead character played by Russell Crowe says, "What we do in life echoes in eternity." At the time it struck me as a standard Hollywood movie line, but it turns out it's almost identical to one written by Marcus Aurelius a couple thousand years ago: "What we do now echoes in eternity." Things we do and say affect others now and in the future, often in ways we can't imagine.

It seems to me that must be the case whether there's one God, many, or none. I can end my own pain, but only at the cost of increasing it for many others. In the worst case I'll be stuck in this pit for thirty more years, but that's unlikely. It's more likely that some med or therapy will help, or the depression will fade over time.

Maybe the wall of words above adds up to "I don't know, but [blah blah]." In any case I hope your depression eases soon.