Thank you so much, Apathy. I also wish you peace. Your experience is so similar to mine. I remember the RN in the ICU telling me to go to sleep, that my father was getting better and he would let me know of any changes. This was on Christmas Eve and I was so happy to have some hope to cling to. Then on Christmas Day I woke up with a feeling of dread. When I got to the ICU, I found my father in respiratory distress. This was not the first time I had found him suffering and alone. Previously, when he was being weaned off the ventilator I had found him looking distressed. He wanted me to remove the tubes from his throat. He couldn't speak, so he wrote on a piece of paper, "Help Me." He thought he could breathe on his own. I explained that we had to wait until the doctor said it was ok to remove the tubes. He calmed down, but I had never seen my father look so forlorn. He also asked my half brother to help him. My father was not one to ask for help, so he must have been in great distress to do that. I stayed all night with him, but I couldn't stay day and nght with him. I had to sleep. Sadly, there was no one available to stay with him while I slept, because my relatives live far away and they work. It's terrible when you can't trust the hospital to do their job, not even in the ICU.

I tried to reassure my dad that he was being monitored by a camera. He looked at the camera and made a scoffing gesture with his hand as if to say they weren't watching him. I later saw for myself this was true, and now I worry about how much he suffered when I wasn't there with him. It breaks my heart.

There was one nurse from hell who told me that her religious beliefs did not agree with keeping people alive artificially. I wanted to ask the Intensivist to have her reassigned, but he wasn't around. Then I decided not to say anything, because I was afraid she'd pull the plug on him in revenge. My dad had told me before not to make waves, because he might be the one to pay for it. The same nurse got upset just because I asked for an extra blanket (my father was cold to the touch, and I felt cold, too, even though I had a jacket on.) She brought the blanket after lecturing me about Chinese people who want six blankets on their loved one, which causes them to spike a fever (I'm not Chinese, but I think that comment was inappropriate). She told me in an arrogant tone, "You may have taken care of your father at home, and I'm sure he's wonderful and all, but he's in a different world now." Her lack of compassion made a bad situation worse. I asked her, "Am I annoying you? -- because that's not what I'm trying to do. I asked you if an extra blanket was contraindicated or not. I was not demanding one without your professional opinion. I am just trying to advocate for my father, because he can't speak for himself." After that, she backed down and gave me a phony sweet smile. Earlier, when I remarked how one of the doctors was rather cold, she declared, "What do you want, someone who knows what they are doing or someone who is touchy-feely?" I answered that I would prefer to have both. She replied, "Well, you can't have both!"

I know this is all water under the bridge, but I just can't believe how cold and uncaring some hospital personnel have become. Even the hospitalist who told us my dad needed to be in Comfort Care or have an operation that he probably wouldn't survive acted like an unfeeling robot who would rather be at the staff Christmas party. My dad told me about nurses laughing loudly at the nursing station in the middle of the night. How can they have no regard for people who are sick and trying to rest? A pox on all of those laughing hyenas!

Sorry to rant, but that's why I'm here. I really feel for what you've been through. I hope with all my heart that we will start to feel better soon.