Quote:
|
You have much life ahead of you.
|
I know. Or do I? I'll be alive. Is it remotely worth it?
Quote:
|
You feel so behind, but behind what or who?
|
Nobody.
Quote:
|
Who are you comparing yourself to?
|
No one.
Quote:
|
If you're depressed then any assessment you make of your accomplishments, failures, prospects, etc. are going to be so negatively biased as to be not credible. In other words, you can't trust your own objective self-evaluation while in a depressed state.
|
I have run through a decade of doctors and counselors, and medications, and agree- there is nothing left to trust. This is a major part of the problem. If my thoughts and feelings are incorrect, then where are the correct thoughts? How can I generate the correct feelings to feel? What drug or exercise or attitude do I adopt to produce the correct feelings to feel, and the correct thoughts to think? Do I walk around with a question mark over my head this entire life, wondering when I am feeling the right feeling and when my thoughts are the right thoughts? When am I allowed to feel and have feelings?
Quote:
|
who says you have to be some kind of intellectual and financial juggernaut in order to be a 'man' worthy of living?
|
At one point, I thought that simply being alive, working a dirt cheap job, and walking around, buying things to cook, and smoking a cigarette, was worthy enough of life. The intellectual and financial kings and crooks could live and die as far as I cared. Now I don't know. I am not living for anything. I drink to fill a void, and it's no use. Even that was miserable, and I was content to be miserable. Now I am paralyzed. Life is definitely not worth living. Maybe some kind of life is, but I can't find it. Just being given life is not an excuse to live. Was I supposed to be dead? I can't look at myself or accept myself, I can't be counseled, can't I just be put wherever it is I am supposed to go or to go and be told what to do? All I can think about is "What are my instructions?"