Long post, sorry..

I joined PC last fall after being discharged from the hospital. I went back in September for 2 weeks (involuntary) because I had knives in my purses at the pdocs office. My estranged husband was also diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer at the same time which had spread to the lungs and liver. I went back in the hospital in October and there was no one available to watch the kids. My husband was preparing to have his surgery and it was during the work day so all my acquaintances were at work. My T thought it was very important to go so we placed my kids with Children and Youth services for a "short" time. I was in the hospital for a short time, and then resided in a residential program for 34 days as a step down from the hospital. Since my children were in care, I was no longing receiving there SS benefits and had to move to a much smaller place in December. During this time, my hubby had his surgery and I had came to stay with him a few days several times. We were seriously considering reconcilling. I guess when you are faced with death you take a whole different look at things. I went back in the hospital in January for a few days. In February, there was a knock at my apartment door. It was 2 police officers who had a warrant for my arrest! It seems I had been charged and arrested for a DUI in 2003 and never showed up for court. I have no excuses or reason, but I can honestly say I DON"T remember it. While I was being "processed", they found another outstanding warrant from 11 years prior for a bad check for $100. After being released from the county (no bail, just own recognizance) I spent 12 hours in the city jail (and this is a BAD city) before being released on my own recognizance. I moved back here with my husband immediately and obtained an attorney, By the way, this is the state where all the charges are. We went to court in April to get the kids back, but the judge said since I had moved out of state, the case would have to be transferred to my new residence. The kids stay where they are, but the paperwork came here. Meanwhile my husband has been taking chemo for 6 months and is doing great. I found a new T and Pdoc here and made some pretty radical medication changes, but they seem to be working beautifully. The county social work came out here the other day to do individual interviews with Steve and I. She took family, medical and criminal histories as well as how our relationship/marriage has been for the past 10 years. I have left my husband several times over the past 6 years due to my emotional instability. He really is a good person. So, at the interview we had some questions. She said due to my extensive mental health hospitalizations, illnesses, instability, and Steves previous criminal records (25+years ago) and his substance abuse (he got 2 duis 4 years ago) we probably won't get the kids back, and we would probably have a better chance if we moved back to where I was since it was a much smaller town and their protocol for reuniting families is much more lenient. Crushed is an understatement. I immediately called the lawyer in the other state who had been court appointed to help with the case. He was flabbergasted! I have court this Monday (25th) for my DUI. There is a strong possibility I may have some jail time because I had 2 duis in 1988. The lawyer said if I don't get jail time, call him right away, he will have the probation and such transferred up there. Steve has 2 more weeks of chemo and then we will move up there. All of his family and friends are here, and neither one of us have a driver license or car. He is pretty angry at me right now. He said he doesn't want to leave the best job he ever had. They held the job for him the past 8 months while he has been disabled. Its much too far for anyone to pick him up everyday. His network of friends are very close. We are seeing the kids this weekend. We'll pick them up at 9 on Sunday and drop them off about 6. Depending on the outcome of Monday, it may be my last contact with them for a while. Then, it would be up to Steve to move into the old place and start the reunification process up there. That may be hard since he isn't my 11 year old daughter biological father.

Anywho, thats it..I was going to PM a few peeps, but thought it would do just as well to lay it all out here. The guilt I have been feeling is immense and has taken me over the past several days. What I wouldn't do for a couple drinks! I welcome any thoughts, opinions, suggestions, but please no sympathy or empathy. I really don't deserve it!

Take care,
Dee