Hi Rose, I relate all too well to everything you said about depression. I have struggled with it for so many years, and you're right, it's a constant battle. Rolling a stone up a hill... I have never been suicidal but have always described things as "I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up". I am very tired of this 'cycle' as I call it. Where I might be ok, where I'm not in a depressed state, but it always returns. And I feel like I'm never going to be without it, so what's the point of trying, continuing to live. It's so hard and exhausting! But the times when I do find joy, or bits of happiness... I try to cherish those. I'm a mother now, so it's no longer just about me. At the same time, I wonder if my son is going to have to endure this horrible illness throughout his life and what can I do about that? I too know all the things I'm supposed to do - sleep, exercise, not isolate etc. But at times it's just so tiring, what's the point? I don't know why we have to endure this in our lives, but you are definitely not alone. If you ever want to chat more, feel free to pm me.