Hi everyone!

If this is not the correct forum for this thread, then I apologise; please alert me where best to post this and I will move it.

So, I am a fairly emotionally healthy woman (or, at least, I like to think so). I have had a boyfriend for the last year and a half that unfortunately came to me fresh out of an emotionally abusive ten year marriage; his ex wife admits to cyclothymia, and I'm pretty certain based on anecdotal evidence as well as personal observation is somewhere on the NPD scale as well. They have an eight year old son together. She has sole legal and physical custody, and it took eight months of court proceedings and a MAJOR amount of work for him to even get visitation after she arbitrarily called off all visitation.

My concerns:

1) How best can I help the kid? My kids are 21 and 17, and never had to deal with these kinds of issues, so I am at a loss. I am fairly certain that she talks a lot of **** to him about his father and most likely about me as well (she certainly talked enough **** in the courtroom.) He seems to like me, likes his dad, but is pretty emotionally distant and detached. She is a hypochondriac, so she always has the kid at the doctor's office over one thing or another and he is really overmedicated (IMHO.) She claims he has ODD but he has always complied with requests or orders, if not cheerfully, without being a butt about it. I know she controls his every single move down to what underwear and shoes he is permitted to wear. She chooses his extracurricular activities, when he gets to read and what he reads, everything; and he has no agency. This is so anathema to how I raised my kids I am baffled. Oh, did I mention she's been a prescription drug addict gaming the system for some 15 years? She goes to AA religiously, brings the eight year old along, and has them all convinced she's clean and sober until she starts vomiting blood in meetings and collapsing. Thing is, her mom is a bigwig in the AA world and she goes back to leading meetings within a few months of "getting sober". Sigh. SO. How best can I help the kid? He's in a really crap situation. So far as I can tell, she is not physically abusive nor physically neglectful but.... I'm pretty sure there's a lot of manipulation and emotional gaslighting going on.

2) How the hell do I manage to keep my sanity when every few weeks, it's like my boyfriend forgets that I am not his ex wife and starts getting moody, blaming me for everything, and essentially taking out his PTSD from her on me? It's driving me mad. I do my best to remember not to take it personally, but when he is blaming me for things and he can't even remember what they are.... As in, "I've been distant because you made me mad by shutting me down a couple times like a year ago." "Oh? Okay, how did I shut you down?" "I can't remember." "...."

Any stories, advice, or thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!