You describe a lot of the emotions that I feel. I focus too much on the negative and "feel" less of the positive, especially on the downside. As BP mixed, I have my ups but as I do, I'm in the process of crashing into a brick wall.

Right now, I'm trying to slow my mind down and let life come to me. Instead of forcing the good, I just let it happen right next to the bad. I get in ruts and there seems to be a lot more bad than good in my life and that makes me angry, frustrated, and paranoid especially when I finish off my mania.

I also am trying to focus more on ME and less on what everyone else wants of me. So I'm trying to get more sleep, eat better, meditate, stick my face into the sunshine, and do whatever the bleep I want to do regardless of what people thing.

In closing, it has always been hard for me to accept that there might be a plan for me. It is ethereal, but maybe I can't control any of it. Who knows?

I hope my ramble helps.