It's made me learn what has been stopping ma and mending to it. Also psychological wounds others have put onto me.
I've learned how I lacked intimacy be for doing this it's not changed once. My parents are both emotionally unavailable. I felt my mom only cares about me when I have no emotion. I respect her till she disrespects my feelings that isn't helping nor positive for me. She likes to hold on to drama takes herself puts her problems and throws them at everyone she's very unmotivated and when she thinks I'm disrespectful to be rebellious. I'm not she hurt me emotionally far enough it took me so long to figure it out.

A girl ill be one day close to, will help me heal and without being codependent. We will keep a respectful boundaries emotionally, but I need this attended regardless by some female figure. I need it healed, because no matter how much I do on my own if someone helps me feel for once that not everyone is fake with their feelings and I can trust them and feel loved. Ik what it feels like even when it was for a moment and is not really there to begin with. I felt that's all I need. Truly. That intimacy where my efforts will be fruitful that I can give to someone else who needs it out of my own heart being generous has been a great stress reliever, but someone doing that for me out of generosity and gratitude. That's all I want.