I've got a log of everything since last November. It makes horrific reading. I can't believe this has taken such a nosedive. I've always been a nightmare but so much has happened in the past 5 months. I've been flying again today. Running around at 100mph. I feel good when it's like this but I know it's not real. I've not had a break from this for months now. My body can't keep up with my brain. The sexual urges have subsided somewhat in the past few days but I know they'll be back! Anxiety levels are pretty low but that will come on in waves totally out of the blue. I haven't been too tearful for the past few days. I've not thought about my behaviour in any detail yet, but when I do, I know I'm going to be in big trouble. I guess that will come when the next "crash" arrives. I've been told since November to expect it, but it's still not come. I'd prefer the deep depression than this. It's horrific and makes me very homicidal, but at least I know where I stand with the depression. The symptoms are pretty straightforward, but with, this it's just evil. i hate what's happening. Every time I question the maximum dose of mirtazapine they made me eat for 9 months, they ALL get defensive. I'm convinced that the medication has induced this latest nightmare. My brain is totally fu***d. I can't process the simplest information. My short term memory is ruined. I can't concentrate on anything. I read a lot on here about Bipolar. Some people dress it up to be ok. Well it's not ok for me. I still don't know if this is what I have, but if it is, F**k you Bipolar. You are taking my life away from me. You are sending me insane. Slowly but surely, you are beating me. You've stolen my friends, my girlfriends, my careers, my hobbies, my interests, my money, my self respect, my dignity, my sense of reason. You've taken everything apart from a little ray of hope. But that is fading. F**k this illness.