So I wanted to talk about something very specific in this post. This is about my issues with extreme infatuation. I find it to be damaging, and very distressing.

I'm 18 years old, and for as long as I can remember, I've always developed absolute intense infatuations. It's consuming, the infatuation I have becomes the centre of my world, and all I think about. At the start, it's all joy and rainbows. Everything is great. Everything is perfect, they are perfect, they made my life perfect. They are my soulmate, they are my God. In my eyes, it's almost as if they become higher than human, compared to them I am scum. I feel so upbeat, almost have a kind of emotional high at the start of it all. Every little bit of attention or gratification I get from them makes me feel just a little bit more worthy. I want to clarify that I tend to develop infatuations with unavailable people, mainly authority figures. Most the time, the a relationship with them isn't even possible, yet I convince myself that they are my soul mate.

Well, after a few weeks of all this, things almost always turn nasty. Something will happen. Usually, I get the idea that I'm not really that important to them, or that they give attention to others, which means I'm just another number in their mind. I have the desire to be the centre of their world, just as they are mine. So once I get the hint I'm not, whether it's them giving attention to others, them talking about their family, etc, then I go into an extreme depressive state, where I feel worthless and suicidal. I tend to also become extremely possessive, I will experience homicidal thoughts about the other people the infatuation gives attention to, just so I can have him/her to myself. I almost think of them as just an object to give me love and attention, rather than a human being. I sometimes forget that they have thoughts, feelings, likes/dislikes etc. This comes across as horrible, I know.

I also eventually begin to hate my infatuation, for whatever reason. Where I had once thought they were my whole world and my guardian angel before they suddenly become horrible people: assholes, *****s, etc. This is usually brought on if they suddenly criticize me, or if they ignore me in order to give someone else attention

The gender of the person doesn't matter I've recently found, as long as they fit the position to give me individual, specialized affection, and they are attractive, then I will fall for them.

So after a few months, then things just get increasingly worse. Whether I'm given attention or not during the day will either make or break my day. Usually the triggers of a rage/depression episode with suicidal thoughts will be if they don't seem as upbeat around me as they usually are (makes me scared they no longer like me) when they don't contact me as much as they used to, if they treat other people the same as me, give others more attention, criticize me (I feel like they're implying I'm worthless) and much more.

One other thing I'm worried about is that soon I will be having to leave my current infatuation in about 2 months or so, which is gonna be especially hard to deal with. I don't know how I'm gonna cope. They are what have been filling the void, and making me feel alive again. I find that every time an infatuation leaves me for whatever reason, I feel so empty and devoid of any life. However, I know that, like always, I will find someone else to replace them, almost immediately. Then the same feelings are passed on, and the cycle repeats.

So I don't know what the do. I've experienced this my whole life, and have never really told anyone. It's usually the primary reason for my self harm and a lot of my mood swings/suicidal thoughts. I almost want to believe this isn't normal so that I can get some kind of help for it. I want there to be a name for it.

I want to mention that my mother died about 5 years ago, when I was 13. I don't suppose this could be a reason for my issues with attachment? and the seeking of a mother figure? I don't know, what do you think?

Thanks for reading.