No, I surely don't want to od and kill myself, I want to feel the feeling. it's like the only time I have no anxiety, little inner pain. I don't drink or smoke pot or do any other street drugs. just scripts, which I know is bad enough. I feel so dirty. I like it and don't want to stop but know I need to. I was afraid my t would report to my doctor. I have held this secret deep inside me until this very post. until now, I've never even said or written it "out loud". I don't even talk about it in a journal. I don't talk about it at all, anywhere. until now.