I'm almost 8 months into recovery from anorexia and fully weight restored but I've been fighting off thoughts of relapse for quite a while. I've had several lapses, only about a week long each, where I fell back into my anorexic intakes rather than following recovery guides. I always managed to bring myself out of them, but right now I don't think I can. I can feel myself slipping into another one. All the fear is back. The behaviours are back. I am scared but I don't know if I can keep fighting it. It just wants me to give in again.

I'm trying to find the point in recovery again and the thing is that I have goals that I can't achieve with an active eating disorder, but I'm still getting pulled down by restriction again. I don't know how to live with myself without it, even though that must sound horribly distorted. I know it does. I hate sounding and feeling like this.