Webgoji, my wife will not examine her past. I have a feeling, as does my therapist, that she might have been sexually abused. Denial became a tool for survival. I can understand that, in a fashion, but she is like a computer operating system; she has and still does, creates new versions of herself. It would be laughable if the results weren't contradictory, hurtful and confusing. And Bill3, I haven't really resolved anything in therapy, but it is a place to express my emotions. But I'm still stuck in my life. I'm too sick to even work a few hours a week, the amount of my monthly SSDI check is quite small and I've been totally dependent on my wife for my survival, even before being approved for disability. In a loving, mutually supportive marriage, I'd probably be more accepting of my situation, but she needs to be in control, she plays with my emotions, still and she remains in denial about the severity of my bipolar illness.

I've always been there for her but eventually the emotional well runs dry. I'm barely hanging on. Seeking a lover is a reflection of my total frustration and anger at my wife and my life. I wish, and continue to search, with my psychiatrist, for a medication or cocktail or any treatment that will stop my decline. I want my life back, every aspect of it. I can't save my wife but I'm going to do all I can to save myself.