We have been talking about the issues we have. I've admitted that being on my back makes me feel vulnerable and uncomfortable. I've been working on finding a comfortable way to masturbate in that position but it's been difficult but unfortunately it's more convenient to use that position in partner sex.

It's very difficult for each one of us to open up about our sexuality because we've both had to suppress it in the past before we met. Other partners wouldn't allow him to explore his sexuality so he has no clue what he likes and he's usually scared to try anything outside of the "basics" (for lack of a better term). And I grew up believing that every part of my sexuality was wrong and disgusting. That it's abnormal that I have a higher sex drive, that I get aroused very easily, and especially because I've been attracted to all genders. Also, I believe my gender to be non-binary and my sexuality sometimes comes from what I would describe as a male perspective. He's aware of all of this but it's a really large leap for him to switch gender roles in order to accommodate me. He's taking steps in order to do so and with some stuff, we've gotten to the point where he admits that he would like what I'm suggesting but is having trouble with the "grossness" of it I guess?

I guess I'm ashamed of my sexuality and he's terrified of his and probably terrified of mine as well.

And it's not only all that, but his life in general has been rough the last couple of years. He lost a dream job 2 years ago and has never recovered from it. Last year, he started grad school and was promised a teaching assistantship and never received it. Then his grandparents both died. This semester he was I daresay bullied into taking 15 credit hours (if you don't know, 9 is full time for grad school and 12 is usually that absolute max) and he has time management and prioritizing issues anyway. And now this week, he found out that his advisor is resigning so he doesn't even know for sure if his degree will still exist next year because there's some doubt as to who will be his major professor. He's also used to women leaving him rather quickly (sometimes because of sexual issues) and I think he's convinced I'll leave him too (especially because of sexual issues). He gets so worried about not being able to perform and then so upset when he fails (when he fails in his eyes anyway). I try to get him to take the focus off penetrative sex so he can get out of the cycle of perceived failure, but he's almost obsessed with finding a way to give me an orgasm through penetration because he's never done that before and he thinks it makes him a failure as a man. And now there's too much pressure on me to have an orgasm, during any circumstance really because me not having an orgasm seems to cement in his mind that he's a failure.

I don't know how to get him to relax…everything physically works well if he doesn't think about it (at least erection wise). He says he gets too excited when he penetrates me so that's why he usually immediately ejaculates. And I haven't gotten good a putting on condoms quickly and efficiently yet so he loses a lot of erections that way. And I'm pretty sure he's unable to put them on himself because of a lack of motor skills.

If he's in town this summer and I have an income, then we can go to a sex therapist. I just wish I knew how to make the best of what we have until then. He probably needs to go to a regular therapist but I think he's afraid they'll officially diagnose him as being on the autism spectrum which will guarantee that he'll never get the job he lost back.