Hi, I ran across this site while searching for information on dealing with a loved one's depression. I have had postpartum and mild depression throughout the years, but am currently in a great place, after extensive therapy.
I met a man and we have been dating for about 5 months. I am 39, been married once, divorced, and out of another long term relationship, after which o had been single for almost 2 years, working on myself and going through therapy. When my BF and i met, I was not looking to date, but we had an instant connection and I knew i was in a stable place, so I went for it. I have 3 kids, 2 teenage boys and one 6 yr old daughter. My BF is 7 years younger than me (31), but we talk about it and it hasn't been an issue.
He was open about his depression from the beginning - is on medication, and it was something we could talk about openly. During the 5 months we have been together, there have been a few days here and there where he would say he didn't feel right, I would give him space and he would be back after a few hours or a day or two and we were fine. Recently, he had said he has to be by himself when it happens, because he gets irritable and angry and he didn't want to lash out and hurt me verbally. I accepted that.
This past week, he could feel it coming on. We spent Friday night together, every thing was like normal: dinner, talked, sex, loving times. We openly talk about everything - and I feel as though we are honest and very supportive and accepting of each other. If we have disagreements, we discuss them and deal with them. On Saturday, we had plans, and he texted and said he was feeling off, would I be upset if he didn't come over. I understood that he was hitting a depressive episode so said for him to take his time, and loved him. He would check in, things were ok.
On Monday, he was still off. We were texting and we had a misunderstanding, and he got angry and said he was "done". I said that maybe we should stop texting, take some space and talk later. After a few hours, I asked if we could talk. He said no. The next day, I texted and said i was giving him space, i lived him and for him to call when he was ready. He ignored it. I was going out of town with my son on Wednesday, so i texted him that morning and said that I would like for us to at least talk briefly before i left and that i would call after i got the kids off to school.
He didn't answer when i called, which i expected because he sleeps a lot through his depression. He called me back an hour later, and said we didn't have anything to talk about, was very emotionless and completely unlike himself. HE said he didn't want this anymore, and when i asked for him to clarify, he said the relationship. He said something about his life being worthless and going nowhere (he has been out of work and looking since we met, although I opened a business during this time and it had allowed us to work together in my store, creating and such. We had worked well together inspiring each other (we are both artists) and he had enjoyed it and had been so supportive)...money had been back for him, as i couldn't pay him and it has been a major stressor. He said he would come get his stuff when he has money for gas. And that was that.
I was in shock, but knew that i couldn't help and that pushing was not the way to go.
We have since texted briefly - he said he would like to talk to me when he can "intelligently", but is firm that we are broken up. He still cares, he says, but that he was lying to himself and to me in our relationship and that we want different things, that he is directionless and irresponsible.
I know he is in a bad place, and i know I can't so anything to help him. I am confused because nothing in our relationship feels like these things he is saying now is true - we really have have no big issues and have worked well to have a loving, communicative relationship where we both felt loved and supported and working toward a future together. We weren't rushing, and he was forming a relationship with the kids and my family.
This whole thing came out of the blue, and i just don't know what to do. I feel like it is the depression talking, but I would not want him to be with me if that is not what he wants. I just do not know if the "truth" is the past 5 months or what he is saying now.
My gut is telling me to give him space, not text anymore- i have told him i love him and am here for him and that if this is what he wants, I respect it and would like to speak with him when he is feeling up to it.
I just don't know if I should believe that we still have a chance or if I should accept it is over?
I know he is not himself and is probably feeling like he is protecting me and himself by breaking it off. But is that just because i hope that? I am trying to make sure we maintain a healthy relationship if we do continue to have one -without codependency and complete honesty.I am not mad at him - like i said, until this, we have had a great 5 months, with no signs that we had this coming. Just need advice on how to proceed and how long I should "stay away"...