Barn_bum,

Here are some of my thoughts. You say that almost nothing was true, but there is a lot in here that's in your life. Like babysitting for someone, open heart surgery (your desire to become a surgeon), recent graduation.

Like Thunder Bow, I tend to see characters in dreams as representing parts of yourself. For instance, Tim is a part of yourself who has these characteristics--most obviously, being masculine, but perhaps you could say more about your associations to Tim (anything you can remember about his personality).

Death is present both in the funeral home and the suicide attempts (and the accusations of murder).

My feeling is that a lot of this is about your attempts to transform yourself. My thoughts about the pole vaulting are first to notice that you can do it only when the coach isn't looking. I've often encountered in myself this idea that looking too closely at something, thinking too much, analyzing too much, etc. can kill the spontaneity and the ability. What do you associate to pole vaulting? How might that match up to something in your life right now that you want to succeed at doing?

My feeling is that the kid you are babysitting in the dream, and the one in real life, are associated with your own childhood. Your feelings around these kids have something to do with your feelings about being a child in your family, and about the dynamics of the inner family you carry with you. Note that the family of the kid is loud and embarrassing, suggesting that the feelings and thoughts you have associated to childhood are intrusive and make you feel embarrassed. Perhaps in some way in your life you have acted like a child at times and this embarrasses you.

My feeling is that the suicide attempt speaks something about your attempts to transform yourself. In some way, perhaps unconsciously, you are striving to change. It's possible (this is for you to say) that you have a desire to kill off the undesirable qualities in yourself. Also since you want to be a surgeon, it might be that you are operating on yourself.

And there is ambivalence in you about this attempt, as part of you accuses you of being a murderer. There is, perhaps, a lot of self-blame (the woman who accuses you). You say she is the very reason you want to commit suicide, so whatever this woman represents, she is an undesirable quality that you don't want in yourself and perhaps are striving to get rid of.

My thought about self-transformation is that in your life you might need to bring more acceptance of the diferent parts of yourself---that may be a more wholesome way to transform, and these different parts start to lose their power (their power to embarrass you for instance) as you accept and integrate them.

I hope that helps, and feel free to ask questions or provide more associations.

Mike