I called the helpline I usually call to talk about frustrations with my search for a new T...forgetting completely that current T works there. Really, nothing unconscious here, nothing about trying to talk to her or something, but somehow I just...forgot. Because I've called there lots of times before with no problem, and also I thought T was at workshop today?

Anyway, now I'm super embarrassed, and she also now knows that I'm looking for a new T and doing a bunch of consults (which I was only doing pre-emptively in case she decides she can't work with me anymore, which I know is coming, even though I really don't WANT a new T), so now she's going to think I don't want to work with her anymore, when I DO, I just know that's where this is heading. Also, I was talking about her (nothing bad, actually good stuff, and how much I've appreciated x and y and z). But still. I was talking about her to her. (Although I'm surprised she didn't recognize my voice and stop me...I didn't recognize hers because she literally said hi and then I just talked for like six minutes.)

She stopped me after like six minutes and said that she thinks she knows me and has to hang up now, but I can call right back and she won't answer the phone...yeah, I didn't do that. I am super embarrassed now, and I have a session with her tomorrow and I really don't want to go now...I just feel incredibly guilty/ashamed for some reason...I feel sick.