Yes, many times...I even sent her an email (incidentally after consult #2) telling her that I am scared of losing her and feeling like I failed at this relationship too and I don't want to see someone else. And after three consults, I really DON'T want to see someone else. I really don't want to lose her. And I'm actually surprised that I'm feeling so strongly about this...I guess somehow I got very attached to her after all, even though for months I've been trying to trick myself into thinking I wasn't. But I think now she will take this as a sign that I want to leave, even just part of me...and really I don't right now. Maybe sometime, but not right now. I'm not ready.

And I guess what's really bothering me is that right now I feel super defensive about it, because I feel embarrassed, so now I feel just like brushing it off tomorrow and saying it's no big deal, even though right now I'm feeling really panicked and ashamed and just awful...but I don't know how to turn off that defence mechanism and just say that to her. I feel like instead tomorrow I'm just going to detach from it and be like, "Yeah, whatever." And it's just after I sent her that email saying how much I appreciated her and wanted to keep working with her, so the timing couldn't be worse. I should NOT have EVER called that helpline after finding out she worked there...but she said she only does shifts there one day a week and I thought she was at a workshop today...