I feel bad because I've come onto this board with mania and agitation and not sleeping and complaining that I was generally not doing well at all. And I've had a treatment change but am still not doing great and so I keep talking. And because I'm manic I'm probably talking WAY too much and it probably barely makes sense although I try to avoid that. And people make suggestions and I know it sounds like I have an excuse for everything. I really do find suggestions valuable and listen to each one. I just have a weird situation and sometimes things that are "normal" don't work for me. I'm complaining because this episode is so, so hard just because of how it has come on and because it's the worst I've had in a long time. But the truth is that my bipolar is kind of a been there/done that thing. I used to be cycling/mixed 98% of the time, for many years. And I've been on so many meds and they just don't work well for me due to allergies and movement disorders and some just plain don't work.

When it gets like this I get scared. And I've brought that to this board and I hope not too much. I'm just so glad to find people who understand. I really am trying things and will do whatever my dr advises. It's just that my treatments kind of vary from normal and so I'm not arguing or ignoring, just going with my strange history with this disorder.

Anyway I hope I haven't offended anyone. Not my intention at all. It's hard to control the excess emotions right now and that unfortunately includes fear/terror, paranoia, anxiety, depression, etc.

I think this board has probably kept me from getting into trouble with SI this week as I've waited to feel better (and I am a little better, just not a lot better). I don't have a lot of people to talk to in my life. So I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has listened and been so supportive and I hope that sometime soon I'll be posting with a little less, um, excess thoughts and I will keep considering everything people say if you can all forgive me when I often say "yes but" or "that won't work for me". I wish I had easier solutions but I just don't. I've been on between 50-60 cocktails with hundreds of dose variations and none worked until I went on the MAOI combined with Seroquel and I got a bit better. I can't take certain meds and others are last-resort things because of prior issues. Treating me is pretty much a nightmare and it's a good thing my dr mainly treats people with complex cases.

But really, I'm sorry if i have posted too much and if I've offended/annoyed anyone.